Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Movie Review: Star Warped

There are several things we could have done this evening that we could have done to kill thirty four minutes. Group masturbation games involving toast comes to mind, as well as making sure the rectal thermometer still works. Honestly, I wouldn't even subject Heinrich Himmler to this onslaught of Trisomy 21 influenced clay-mation. Perhaps mass enemas would have been a better use of time.

This is the result of too much available stop-motion technology and modeling clay coupled with the lack of much needed supervision of acne ridden comic con nerds that would have been better off spending their time beating off to pictures of Bobba Fett and Princess Leia. The plot is simple: a disruption in the space-time continuum has brought poorly sculpted renditions of our favorite sci-fi characters together to fight a war of good and evil which will determine the fate of the universe. The main protagonists are cheap knock offs of Spock and Captain Kirk from the original Star Trek series, who must get back the monolith to restore order as instructed by the Star Child from 2001, which suspiciously sounds like a foul mouthed Sean Connery. Their adversary is "Darth Vapor": a lame flatulent two-dimensional parody of Darth Vader that would have been better off being voiced by Pee Wee Herman. Alliances are formed on both sides involving Robocop, E.T., The Terminator, Alien, The Predator, and Darth Mini Maul: another proponent of the "Dark Smell of the Force".

Personally, the only "Dark Smell" we could detect emanated from this movie. Should you feel the need to punish yourself in this way you could watch this movie, but it would be equally entertaining to piss in a live wall socket.

We give this movie a -2 stars.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Happy Birthday Jouse!!!

We got you a cake in honor of your nineteenth birthday, but it must have been made by an illegal alien or something because he severely mispelled your name. Oh well, it is the thought that counts.

I don't even know what to make of this...

Apparently the Octonistas are no longer content peddling their hardcore smut propaganda and have opted to go into the advertisement field. Perhaps they are exploring new avenues of indoctrination, or are looking for new sources of revenue... I can't be sure, but what I do know is that we must boycott any product they are affiliated with. I encourage all Awesomites to abstain from drinking Orangina and if possible, write the company expressing your outrage.

Side note: It is apparent that James Dobson is not taking this threat seriously, so if you want to voice your concerns to a culture warrior, I suggest Tony Perkins.

Kierra's "tiny" feet

I have had a theory about the Arch Bishop for some time now. He far too tall to be a mere mortal. In fact, I suspect he is descended from nephilim... That is to say somewhere in his family tree someone got freaky with an angel. I present to you exhibit A: the footprints of his newborn daughter. How many human infants have feet this large?

This is by far the most damning evidence to date.

Awesomeness Returns!!!

Well sort of... It was a minimal sermon tonight for several reasons. First of all as a new father the Arch Bishop doesn't have as much free time as he used to, and had already promised his girlfriend he would run errands with her the next day. Secondly, I am just recovered from the stomach flu, which needless to say, was anything but awesome. And lastly, the Internets crapped out like clockwork at about ten.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Happy Birthday Keira Elizabeth Wakefield!!!

On the ninth day of the eleventh month of the eighth year of the second millenium, a child shall be born. Her birth will usher in an era of awesomeness and prosperity in the world that surrounds her. She will also poopith green.

--1 Bnengetts 7:17

Today is a most sacred day in the Church of Awesomeness. Also, as you may have guessed, church will be postponed for a while.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

A House Divided

This is the scene from Arch Bishop Troy's parent's house. Or it least it was until some handjob stole the "No on Prop &" sign."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Mario Bros. Theremin Style

Yeah, it's worthy.

Stop Playing with Your Wang!

Ever since its debut in the early 70's, this device has been the desire of every nerdy pre and even some post-pubescent males. Some females have even been know to own and even correctly operate the Wang 600.

As you can see, who wouldn't want to have such a beefy Wang... 600.

Cynical Heiroglyphs

This prehistoric relief was found carved into the side of a cliff on the shores of Mentone Beach. I am not sure what the significance of it is, but it appears to portray the Goddess of Cynicism in human form. As for the symbol and the apparatus beside her and their meaning, I can only guess. I will ask the Arch Bishop when he awakes.

Eli & Satan Paint

Yeah, this didn't happen at church, but rather at Brian's House, but it was such a good picture of Satan I just had to include it. Look at her all perched, waiting to destroy whatever Eli would create.

Jouse: Queen of the Ewoks

Goddess of all things cute and tiny. If it is small, bites, nips at your heels, or is fixated on your nipples, chances are it is a servant, avatar, or manifestation of the munchkin herself. There is no reasoning with this deity. The best thing you can do is hold her head at arms length and let her swing until she is exhausted.

Bastardology 101: Diagnosing a sick bastard.

Something was wrong with the bastard tonight. He wasn't his normal charming self. First of all he was nice, and lovey-dovey. Second of all he seemed to lack his normal feral attitude towards everything under the sun. It was like he lost his common sense...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Have an Awesome Halloween!!!

That said, the Church of Awesomeness regrets to inform it's pack (flocks are for sheep) that there will be no service this Monday evening/Tuesday morning due Arch Bishop Troy's and my schedules. We also apologize for the lack of original content, which can only be the result of witchcraft. If anyone has the number of Sarah Palin's pastor, please contact us ASAP.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Jesus Light Switch

The sad part is I don't think this was intended to be a joke. If you look closely you can make out the words "HONOR THY MOTHER AND FATHER" just below the J-man's chest.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Octonistas are killing Sharks now.

No really!!! First it was our women, now they want our sharks. Won't somebody stop these spineless bastards?

"Revenge of the Shit" (or "Sith Happens")

Arch Bishop Troy should have known better to release the Force in the restroom. Did he think they would not be retaliation? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. It is a basic law of the universe. Prepare yourself Arch Bishop, for you have crossed paths with the Derek Side of the Force. You have been warned.

Now you will witness the true power of the Awesome Side of the Force.

I didn't want to release this information this early in the game, but due to Troy releasing the Dark Side of the Force in the restroom without spraying the Frebreeze, my hand has been forced. I found a picture of Troy from the late seventies that implicates him and CauliMaury with ties to the Rebel Alliance. I guess the first give away was the light saber hanging on the wall.

Monday, October 6, 2008

A test of thy devotion!

Come hither, oh ye Awesomite! A test of thine fanaticism to the church is in order. Just clickith on this link and you will be redirected to the testing site. That is but only the easy part. To prove before Dog that you are a true Awesomite doth be the hard part.

Click here to commence your test!


You learn something new every day!

So I am guessing they fart as well. You know what! The next thing they will be saying is that the world is a sphere that bulges a bit at the equator due to centripetal force. Who ever heard of such nonsense?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Chinese even know!

Well, it is confirmed. The Chinese, all the way one the other side of the world, know about the Whore of Babylon. Behold the undeniable proof.

Danielle, please proceed forward to your designated parking area.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Being for the Benefit of Mr Izzard

Ok, well the first part of this clip features Bono playing a self important jackass, of which he does a good job because anyone can play themselves, but shortly after comes Eddie Izzard's rendition Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite which is "bloody brilliant" if I do say so myself. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I highly recommend that you do, and if you have some psychedelic drugs to aid you... well we at the Church of Awesomeness don't condone such satanic acts, but well... you know.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Our Campsite Trash Can Gets Shorter

Upon returning from the general store, Arch Bishop Troy was perplexed by the shrinkage of our trash can. After ruling out shrink rays, aliens, and cold weather, the Ach Bishop correctly identified the phenonenom as it being on fire.

Arch Bishop Troy Devolves

Apparently the juices in the steak have released special enzymes that made Arch Bisop Troy regress into a Cro-magnon. A few moments later he rediscovered fire.

Monday, September 15, 2008

"If I had a Vagina..."

Awesomess has gone mobile!!! Yes it is true, and we kicked off the evening with a feast fit for a king. We grilled three New York steaks, two ears of corn, and a can of grillin' beans. Arch Bishop Troy enjoyed the steak so much that he mused aloud the strangest idea I had ever heard concerning steak.

Official Seal of Awesomeness

Behold the Official Seal of Awesomeness. Be on the look out for this seal. For those things that bare it doth be created of genuine awesomeinity. Beware of the imitations for they do look nigh indistinguishable from the authentic seal. In order to distinguish the indistinguishable, hold the said seal up to an Infa-red light source and lightly sprinkle on some Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. If the seal bursts into flames it doth be counterfeit. If nothing happens, rejoice, for ye have found true and untainted awesomeness.

Do be reminded though this is the Official Seal of Awesomeness, it is NOT the Official Seal of Dog or The Church of Awesomeness. That sacred seal has yet to be revealed to the common peoples of the world. Of course, us leaders of the Church are privy to it's appearance.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A new deity reveals herself: The Goddess of Balance

Behold her in all her Asian yin-yang glory...

Arch Bishop Troy arises from his Fortress of Solitude...

...with his 24 ounce can of Rockstar and a predisposition towards awesomeness. Let the awesomeness begin!!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Pirates of the Caribbean: How it should have ended.

If you don't get the last part you should click here.

They've infiltrated the Power Puff Girls

It is becoming increasingly clear that our children are the ultimate targets of the Octonistas. This does make sense since children are the most impressionable. What angers me the Octonista's ingenious subtlety of their propaganda. At first glance this appears innocent enough: a young super hero girl named Bubbles and her stuffed plush toy octopus. But the devil is in the details you see. While researching the Power Puff Girls, I noticed that she sleeps with this "plush toy". The insinuation becomes even clearer in this picture I found of Bubbles in her pre-teen years...

You see the subtle but significant change? This is how they do it, incrementally. One minute you're enjoying Saturday morning cartoons, the next thing you know this is happening in your household...

Join Parents Opposing Octopus Porn and make a contribution to rid this world of tentacle porn while you still can.

Satan Reveals Her True Form

While acting inconspicous in front of the karaoke machine the beast reveals her true form.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Four Score and Seven Years Ago...

Our fore fathers brought forth on this continent a new Church, one of Awesomeness.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Return of Benny Lava

Either he is addressing felines or female genitalia... Either way he is a genius and gets more ass than a toilet seat.

P.O.O.P. writes a letter to Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman (or some underling that represents her on Myspace),

I tried to locate your real e-mail address, but it turns out that as a celebrity you are a hard person to make personal contact with... Who would of thought. I understand that you are busy making crappy movies like the prequels to the Star Wars movies, so I won't waste too much of your precious time. It is just that your new Carmenista video has been brought to my attention, and I must say I am very offended.

You see we at the Church of Awesomeness have taken a severe stand against cephalopod-to-human husbandry. We would have been content with gay marriage, but it seems this is the religious right's main squeeze and we are not about to jack someone else's love. Anyhow, we were the first religious organization to correctly identify the threat, and are greatly dismayed with the subtle, although effective reference to it in your new video: "Carmenista".

First of all, may I say it? Call a spade a spade: you should call it "Octonista". Second of all, is the subject matter: Your character, a scorned lover, kills herself and re-incarnates into an octopus. Why an octopus? Why not a ferret, or a platypus? You could have even reincarnated as a slug or some other invertebrate like a sea cucumber or a jelly fish... But you didn't. You chose to represent the enemy.

It has occurred to me that you may be the second coming of Jane Fonda and just don't realize who you are representing, so allow me to elucidate. Perhaps you haven't heard the news about the direct correlation found between octopus porn and child pornography. Or maybe you missed the story about the homosexual tendencies of said beasts or their flagrant promiscuity. Either way, they don't have a moral bone in their bodies and this could have something to do with the fact that they are descendants of mollusks, the spineless conniving bastards that they are.

Furthermore, I am suspicious of your surname "Port Man." This is a nautical expression if I even heard one. It would behoove you to disavow any ties with anything with eight appendages, and while you are at it: George Lucas. We will be watching.

--Buck Thompson, Head Deacon of the Church of Awesomeness (and vice president of Parents Opposing Octopus Porn.)

For those who "warsh" their clothes.

Their is no "R" in wash so stop pronouncing it that way!!! And while we are at it there is no state in the union called "Warshington". Damn semi-illiterate Americans.

The Japanese are obviously in cohoots with the Octonistas.

This is propaganda drawn by the Japanese propagandist Hajime Sorayama (空山基) who is known for his strange erotic art. Now I don't mind depictions of cybernetic women doing whatever it is that cybernetic women do... gigapets, Pokemon or something to that nature. It is when they glorify the octonistas that I can't stand by idly.

Bastard Blogging

Bastard Blogging
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant
Let it be known that Arch Bishop Troy's cat is a bastard, a bastard that attacks my feet for no damn reason at all. A bastard who has a set of furry balls that are growing exponentially, so much so that if he isn't neutered soon, said balls threaten to commandeer the living room.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Sufis may spin to get closer to God...

But that is pussy shit, we spin kick to get closer to Dog... Then we urinate on the closest potted plant.

Blogger is lame and will not display animated gif so you have to download it to see it.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Arch Bishop Troy is a popular guy!!!

So much so that they named a slot machine at Casino Moron-go after him. It inspired me so much that I even gambled. I played two whole dollars worth and I won six!!! That is when I cashed out because I figured I was ahead. The rest of my party wasn't as savvy.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Douche Bag of the Week

Reprinted from Yahoo News:
ELKO, Nev. - A man accused of trying to extort $500 from a Pizza Hut in Elko was foiled by his own cell phone camera. Police said a former employee of the restaurant allegedly called the manager on Friday and told him he had five Pizza Hut signs that are used on the roofs of vehicles and wouldn't return them unless he was paid $500.

Police said the manager wanted proof that Long had the signs. So the 23-year-old man sent him a cell phone picture that proved to be his undoing.

Officers were able to zoom in on license plate numbers of two vehicles in the background that are registered to the man.

He's been charged with extortion, possession of stolen property and grand larceny. Bail is set at $15,000.

Ok, where to start?

1. If you are going to risk going to jail for extortion, it should be worth it. Five hundred dollars isn't even enough to pay a month's worth of rent in most places.

2. If you are going to send photographic evidence that you have stolen property, don't take a picture that reveals your surroundings, property, or your vehicle period. The fact that this tool sent a picture that included his license plate is beyond stupid, which is why he has earned the title of Douche Bag of the Week.

Congradulations douche bag.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Awesomeness Returns...

For yet another action packed Monday night/Tuesday morning. Let the awesomeness begin!!!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

And Now "The School of Awesomeness"

That's right! We are combining church and state to bring you the School of Awesomeness. This coalescence of awesomeness will look quite... dare I say, Awesome, on your resume. Apply now! Space is limited to one student per century.

Militia 'R' Us

What could be more awesome that guns, knives, guitars, and a hairy, fat man wearing a bikini bottom?

Well, guns, knives and guitars without the hairy, fat guy wearing a bikini bottom... or you can shoot the guy with your guns, chop him up with your knives, then feed him to your dog. As your dog is eating the said fat, hairy guy wearing a bikini bottom, you can serenade him (your dog) with a guitar solo.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Natalie Portman has Betrayed Us

At first this video looks like it is a tribute to one of our greatest prophets, Benny Lava, but at the end her true motives are revealed. After incinerating herself in her own self pity, she reincarnates as an octopus and her prince makes out with her, or worse... it is hard to tell what is really going on here. Whatever it is, neither Dog nor Dr. Dobson would approve. Which is why I am going to have to write two letters: one for the lecherous Natalie Portman; the other to Dr. James Dobson, who I might add, is not written me back because he obviously is not taking this vile threat seriously. Perhaps some Hollywood types have infiltrated his organization and slipped him some mind altering organic tea from Trader Joe's. Who knows, maybe they even got him driving a hybrid now. Still, I mustn't waver in my moral rectitude, or let my doubts become obsession. The good Dr. will write back in good time. Until then, a thorough chastising of Miss Portman is order.

Hat tip to Jessica for noticing and correctly identifying this octanista propaganda. Her work as a foot soldier for P.O.O.P. is outstanding. Perhaps a promotion is in order.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Deep Thoughts On John Wayne

Well, we couldn't figure out how to convert the original swf file to Quicktime so we had to film it off my computer screen and as a result the quality is less than adequate. It is just one of the dick moves Apple snuck into the latest version of Quicktime. Someone needs to give Steve Jobs an enema.

New Olympic Sport: Cat Spinninng

Arch Bishop Troy is proud to represent the United States in this sport. What we have featured here are the preliminaries which got us into the nationals.

Ipecac Family Guy

Since we seem to be on the subject of gross subject matter I felt this was appropriate...

Rover Ralphs

Why strenuous activity after a serious bout of drinking is a bad idea.

Oddly enough, this reminds me of an ex-co-worker of mine named Travis.

The Fate of Captured Octonistas

It almost makes up for all the harm they have caused...

Thursday, August 7, 2008

John the Fisherman

My ex-girlfriend hated this song and would always try to skip to the next track... All the more reason to play it. Oh and awesomemites, since we are on the subject, don't forget to vote in the "who is the biggest whore?" poll.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

P.O.O.P. Attempts to Contact Dr. James Dobson a Second Time

Dear Dr. James Dobson and/or the good people of Focus on the Family,

A few months ago (May 6th to be exact) I wrote your staff in hopes that you would hear my plea for help. I can only assume that you are either inundated with questions about curing prepubescent boys of homosexual tendencies via father-son showers or that you don't feel that the current wave of cephalopod-on-human pornography outbreak on the Internets is of a legitimate concern. I am hoping that as a man of faith that the reason is not of the latter. It's apparent that the liberal media has done its best to stifle discussion regarding the conquests of the octanistas and has turned an all but blind eye to the inevitable. Fortunately the Australian authorities, as well as the Australian media have been keeping a close eye on a man who is obviously a contact of the octonistas as it seems he was caught downloading their propaganda, though this is nothing compared to the ruling.

The most shocking aspect of this story is not that their slimy tentacles were involved. No, the most disturbing element of this story is that:
The judge said McLagan had little, if any, interest in child pornography and that it was accessed while he was trawling for bestiality images.

This brings me to the point of this letter. It is increasingly clear that the acceptance of cephalopod-on-human bestiality is but the tip of the iceberg, and serves as but only a means to an end. And this mentally ill man is but a snowflake on the tip of the iceberg. Octopus porn is the gateway drug of porn, it is like beer, marijuana, cigarettes, and Pokemon all rolled into one.

Please take this in to consideration Dr. Dobson, and know that we at the C of A and Parents Opposing Octopus Porn are in dire need of your help and influence.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Move Over George Takei

I always had my suspicions...

Benny Lava Strikes Back

How does he do it? His lyrics are so profound.

The Ewok Gospel Song

Let's put aside our differences and let's hear it for the Ewoks!!!

It's official, we have lost track.

We no longer know the numerical day of Awesomeness this is, nor do we care. The important thing is that we are back on our Monday routine. And why is Monday so important? That, like all things, will be explained in time.

Friday, August 1, 2008

To Those Who Claim They Possess the Secret...

We at the Church of Awesomeness have taken a firm stand against books that promise easy fortunes long before the Church became orthodox, behold:
Behold there is truth in the world, and those that have observed that have noticed that it sucketh. Whoa to them who suffer from eternal optimism because they most likely have a tapeworm. Striketh down those who claim to knoweth the secret, for most likely they observith Oprah, whether obese or not, and take her seriously... For she is a fat bitch, and no amount of book clubs can changeth that.

--2 Bnengets 5:7-14

The Beatles have nothing on us.

Rivers Micheal Dunhan, they say it's your birthday...

The Internets are working Again...

Perhaps it is because Ted Stevens has been indicted, so as to clear the drainage of the Internets, because it is after all, a series of tubes... that get clogged so to speak.... yeah.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Blind Faith

Double click on comic to enlarge.

This is my first attempt at resurrecting my comic after two years and the joke is based on this story.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Octopus sex man avoids jail

Excerpted from News.com.AU:
A TASMANIAN man caught downloading images of sexual acts with an octopus has avoided a jail term.

Rodney Scott McLagan, 48, of South Arm in Hobart was caught with 31,000 images and video files involving sexual acts with children, dogs, ponies, snakes, tigers and an octopus.

Justice David Porter said McLagan had a personality disorder that caused him to avoid interpersonal contact and gave him a pre-occupation with being criticised or rejected, The Mercury reported today.

"Without the opportunity for normal sexual relationships fantasy is often indulged," the judge said yesterday.

"It also emerges from the report that you are particularly self-conscious about your teeth."

He said McLagan's self-esteem was so low he equated himself with a beast.

The judge said McLagan had little, if any, interest in child pornography and that it was accessed while he was trawling for bestiality images.

This is proof that the Octonista's agenda is beyond the scope of interspecies fornication, but rather a means to an end. In short, if we ignore the threat of octopus porn, it is only a matter of time before our streets are littered with child pornography. Dr. James Dobson, I hope you are taking this threat seriously.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Screen Shot from Upcoming Cartoon

I have been working hard to put out another cartoon since I haven't completed one since Republican Lite. You will notice the characters are drawn much better this time around.

Friday, July 4, 2008

It's The Fourth Bitches!!!

Douchebag of the Week: Heidi Montag

"Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

--Heidi Montag, of "The Hills."

Now children, can you say douche bag? I knew you could.

The Problem With Modern Wifebeating is...

... That we don't use our Rods.

Thus sayeth our Muslim friends.

Apparently, JOUSE was correct.

The platypus is poisonous. I stand corrected.

Heaven is So Real

She has seen it and she is rocking, so it must be true.

Apparently, she is an international phenomenon. It must be the will of Dog.

But if that was not enough for you...

Again, the 4th!!!

...And it came to pass that Bnengets was famished from jazzercizing on the dunes of Mentone Beach, when a flea that had been scratched off the hindquarters of the Almighty Butt-Sniffer delivered this sacred singing telegram:
Pounder? I don't even know her.
Furbulous... That is not even a word
by the way.

I should hope not.

And it became clear to Bnengets that the acquisition of a sports-drink was in order.

--Pre-Evangelations 11:12-13

So, uh... yeah. Go America and Dog bless Lou Dobbs!!!

Man admits octopus porn downloads

Excerpted from The UK Metro:
A man has admitted in an Australian court to downloading octopus porn, as well as other images of sexual acts with ponies, tigers and snakes.

Rodney Scott McLagan, 48, also plead guilty to possessing child pornography – but his defence lawyer insisted that he had 'little or no interest' in the child porn, and only had it on his computer because it had been included in the bulk download of bestiality material.

What a sick bastard... and he had kiddie porn too. Dr. Dobson, hopefully you have recieved my letter by now and can see the severity of the situation now.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Satan Walks this Earth.

Luckily she is confined to Brian's house, but the other day she got out for about forty five minutes... Who knows what sorrow she has wrought.

Naughty Chopstick Instructions

How much do you want to bet the Octanistas are somehow behind this? Perhaps this is a preemptive strike towards those who might order Calamari.

Oh My Dog!!! It's Arch Bishop Troy!!!

It is uncanny..,

Our Message is Apparently Catching On.

And with that, let us begin the official twentieth communion for the Church of Awesomeness. (The nineteenth was undocumented and heavily under the influence of Rockband.)

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Thank Dog for Hot

Through scientific study and thorough evaluation, it has been concluded that during the time around the Industrial Revolution a trend had begun that would not stop until there was nothing left. The results of that study shows the undeniable and...

Let us all thank Dog for the blessing of increasingly hot weather. Without it we may still all be wearing one-pieces.

And a large gathering had come to stand around the prophet Bnengets to heed his wisdom. Bnengets gazed upon the crowd and said, "Why do ye pant and perspire so profusely?" The people then replied, "The sun doth beat upon our shoulders and we know not were to find reprieve." Bnengets then lookethed to the sky and cursed Dog for the stupidity of the people. "Look unto yourselves to find reprieve," spoke Bnengets, "Your undergarments do be long and thick. At the loom ye shall make small and lighter ones, which shall be ever more comfortable and cheaper to make because less linen doth be needed." The multitude marveled at his sapience.

--1 Bnengets 31:6-7

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Origin of the Universe

They got one thing wrong--it's not Goooooooooooooooooooood, it's Dooooooooooooooooooooog.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Just When You Thought It Wasn't Possible

There is apparently a religion stupider than ours.

Arch Bishop Troy's Entrepreneurial Spirit

Apparently, he is making lawn mowers...

Now open your Hymn Book to page 169...

Now sing along: In my country there is problem...

Just so you know...

I believe Satan commandeered my HTML, because I just put the same Dog damned thing one minute later and it went Nazi on me. But through a HTML editor, it finally recognized the Dog damned link. Bitches....

The Nature of Satan is Revealed

Although cited from a sister religion, it was revealed through our misogynistic alpha dog deity, the All Mighty Butt-Sniffer, that the adversary Satan has made her presence known.

It's the last time we can star in teeny video

The nineteenth assembly of the Church of Awesomeness is called to order. Please return to your seat and keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times. No flash photography please... Though you may flash us if desired.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Jug of Milk Conspiracy

Well since we don't condone praying to Dog, you might as well address His secretary "The Jug of Milk."

A clearer picture of the Whore of Babylon Highland

Last week I quoted Revelations in regards to my whore slut (a whore is a profession) of an ex-girlfriend in an attempt to put this all in context. Of course the Bible is not the preferred text considering they spell Dog G-o-d so they can't be that accurate. Arch Bishop Troy in his all in his piety was more than helpful in locating a more proper sermon in regards to my ex's matters of infidelity:
"Bitch, whore... these names reserved for female dogs and politicians. Babylon has fallen, as did Norton Air Force Base. From whence do the new Babylonians dwell? Highland, mother of all STD hordes of whores. On the street that north most intersects Piedmont, near the Wal-mart does she resideth: The Whore of the New Babylon. Highland, Ca. Woe is he that taketh her in for she will clog your toilets, drink your spirits, and urinate on your carpets and couches. She causeth your 'friends' to sleep with her and argue with you over very nature of digital television as if it were high definition. She debateth not what she knowith and demandith sympathy for every transgression she claimeth happened her. Heed not her crocodile tears because she will fuckith your 'friend' when you lookith not."

--Pre-Evangelations 12:16-34

Optimus Porn... Well not really

He gets a fist up the tailpipe from Ratchet, albeit for a "prostate exam."

Sirens Sing for it is...

the Eighteenth convention of the Church of Awesomeness has come to fruition... We are legal now, so sign us up for the draft, give us our cheap smut, cigarettes and a lottery ticket.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Excommunication of Danielle Livingston

So it turns out my ex-girlfriend is a whore. That is not news to those who try to keep themselves informed, but I was shocked to find that this was predicted in the Bible.
And there came one of the seven angels which had the seven vials, and talked with me, saying unto me, Come hither; I will shew unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters: With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication. So he carried me away in the spirit into the wilderness: and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet coloured beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns. And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication: And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.

--Revelations 17:1-6
Of course this could be coincidence but then I found this picture of her and I couldn't help but wonder...

Of course this was confirmed when she admitted to me that she had cheated on me with a so called friend of mine who goes by the name of Nicholas Burris. So there you have it, one more reason for me not to have one iota of faith in humanity, and sadly the first excommunication from the Church.

More pictures of the Whore of Babylon to come.

And the Douche Bag of the Week Award goes to...

Drum roll please...

Bill O'Reilly!!!

Wow, I just happened to have a graphic already with his likeness on it. What are the chances?