Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Return of Benny Lava

Either he is addressing felines or female genitalia... Either way he is a genius and gets more ass than a toilet seat.

P.O.O.P. writes a letter to Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman (or some underling that represents her on Myspace),

I tried to locate your real e-mail address, but it turns out that as a celebrity you are a hard person to make personal contact with... Who would of thought. I understand that you are busy making crappy movies like the prequels to the Star Wars movies, so I won't waste too much of your precious time. It is just that your new Carmenista video has been brought to my attention, and I must say I am very offended.

You see we at the Church of Awesomeness have taken a severe stand against cephalopod-to-human husbandry. We would have been content with gay marriage, but it seems this is the religious right's main squeeze and we are not about to jack someone else's love. Anyhow, we were the first religious organization to correctly identify the threat, and are greatly dismayed with the subtle, although effective reference to it in your new video: "Carmenista".

First of all, may I say it? Call a spade a spade: you should call it "Octonista". Second of all, is the subject matter: Your character, a scorned lover, kills herself and re-incarnates into an octopus. Why an octopus? Why not a ferret, or a platypus? You could have even reincarnated as a slug or some other invertebrate like a sea cucumber or a jelly fish... But you didn't. You chose to represent the enemy.

It has occurred to me that you may be the second coming of Jane Fonda and just don't realize who you are representing, so allow me to elucidate. Perhaps you haven't heard the news about the direct correlation found between octopus porn and child pornography. Or maybe you missed the story about the homosexual tendencies of said beasts or their flagrant promiscuity. Either way, they don't have a moral bone in their bodies and this could have something to do with the fact that they are descendants of mollusks, the spineless conniving bastards that they are.

Furthermore, I am suspicious of your surname "Port Man." This is a nautical expression if I even heard one. It would behoove you to disavow any ties with anything with eight appendages, and while you are at it: George Lucas. We will be watching.

--Buck Thompson, Head Deacon of the Church of Awesomeness (and vice president of Parents Opposing Octopus Porn.)

For those who "warsh" their clothes.

Their is no "R" in wash so stop pronouncing it that way!!! And while we are at it there is no state in the union called "Warshington". Damn semi-illiterate Americans.

The Japanese are obviously in cohoots with the Octonistas.

This is propaganda drawn by the Japanese propagandist Hajime Sorayama (空山基) who is known for his strange erotic art. Now I don't mind depictions of cybernetic women doing whatever it is that cybernetic women do... gigapets, Pokemon or something to that nature. It is when they glorify the octonistas that I can't stand by idly.

Bastard Blogging

Bastard Blogging
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant
Let it be known that Arch Bishop Troy's cat is a bastard, a bastard that attacks my feet for no damn reason at all. A bastard who has a set of furry balls that are growing exponentially, so much so that if he isn't neutered soon, said balls threaten to commandeer the living room.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Sufis may spin to get closer to God...

But that is pussy shit, we spin kick to get closer to Dog... Then we urinate on the closest potted plant.

Blogger is lame and will not display animated gif so you have to download it to see it.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Arch Bishop Troy is a popular guy!!!

So much so that they named a slot machine at Casino Moron-go after him. It inspired me so much that I even gambled. I played two whole dollars worth and I won six!!! That is when I cashed out because I figured I was ahead. The rest of my party wasn't as savvy.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Douche Bag of the Week

Reprinted from Yahoo News:
ELKO, Nev. - A man accused of trying to extort $500 from a Pizza Hut in Elko was foiled by his own cell phone camera. Police said a former employee of the restaurant allegedly called the manager on Friday and told him he had five Pizza Hut signs that are used on the roofs of vehicles and wouldn't return them unless he was paid $500.

Police said the manager wanted proof that Long had the signs. So the 23-year-old man sent him a cell phone picture that proved to be his undoing.

Officers were able to zoom in on license plate numbers of two vehicles in the background that are registered to the man.

He's been charged with extortion, possession of stolen property and grand larceny. Bail is set at $15,000.

Ok, where to start?

1. If you are going to risk going to jail for extortion, it should be worth it. Five hundred dollars isn't even enough to pay a month's worth of rent in most places.

2. If you are going to send photographic evidence that you have stolen property, don't take a picture that reveals your surroundings, property, or your vehicle period. The fact that this tool sent a picture that included his license plate is beyond stupid, which is why he has earned the title of Douche Bag of the Week.

Congradulations douche bag.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Awesomeness Returns...

For yet another action packed Monday night/Tuesday morning. Let the awesomeness begin!!!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

And Now "The School of Awesomeness"

That's right! We are combining church and state to bring you the School of Awesomeness. This coalescence of awesomeness will look quite... dare I say, Awesome, on your resume. Apply now! Space is limited to one student per century.

Militia 'R' Us

What could be more awesome that guns, knives, guitars, and a hairy, fat man wearing a bikini bottom?

Well, guns, knives and guitars without the hairy, fat guy wearing a bikini bottom... or you can shoot the guy with your guns, chop him up with your knives, then feed him to your dog. As your dog is eating the said fat, hairy guy wearing a bikini bottom, you can serenade him (your dog) with a guitar solo.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Natalie Portman has Betrayed Us

At first this video looks like it is a tribute to one of our greatest prophets, Benny Lava, but at the end her true motives are revealed. After incinerating herself in her own self pity, she reincarnates as an octopus and her prince makes out with her, or worse... it is hard to tell what is really going on here. Whatever it is, neither Dog nor Dr. Dobson would approve. Which is why I am going to have to write two letters: one for the lecherous Natalie Portman; the other to Dr. James Dobson, who I might add, is not written me back because he obviously is not taking this vile threat seriously. Perhaps some Hollywood types have infiltrated his organization and slipped him some mind altering organic tea from Trader Joe's. Who knows, maybe they even got him driving a hybrid now. Still, I mustn't waver in my moral rectitude, or let my doubts become obsession. The good Dr. will write back in good time. Until then, a thorough chastising of Miss Portman is order.

Hat tip to Jessica for noticing and correctly identifying this octanista propaganda. Her work as a foot soldier for P.O.O.P. is outstanding. Perhaps a promotion is in order.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Deep Thoughts On John Wayne

Well, we couldn't figure out how to convert the original swf file to Quicktime so we had to film it off my computer screen and as a result the quality is less than adequate. It is just one of the dick moves Apple snuck into the latest version of Quicktime. Someone needs to give Steve Jobs an enema.

New Olympic Sport: Cat Spinninng

Arch Bishop Troy is proud to represent the United States in this sport. What we have featured here are the preliminaries which got us into the nationals.

Ipecac Family Guy

Since we seem to be on the subject of gross subject matter I felt this was appropriate...

Rover Ralphs

Why strenuous activity after a serious bout of drinking is a bad idea.

Oddly enough, this reminds me of an ex-co-worker of mine named Travis.

The Fate of Captured Octonistas

It almost makes up for all the harm they have caused...

Thursday, August 7, 2008

John the Fisherman

My ex-girlfriend hated this song and would always try to skip to the next track... All the more reason to play it. Oh and awesomemites, since we are on the subject, don't forget to vote in the "who is the biggest whore?" poll.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

P.O.O.P. Attempts to Contact Dr. James Dobson a Second Time

Dear Dr. James Dobson and/or the good people of Focus on the Family,

A few months ago (May 6th to be exact) I wrote your staff in hopes that you would hear my plea for help. I can only assume that you are either inundated with questions about curing prepubescent boys of homosexual tendencies via father-son showers or that you don't feel that the current wave of cephalopod-on-human pornography outbreak on the Internets is of a legitimate concern. I am hoping that as a man of faith that the reason is not of the latter. It's apparent that the liberal media has done its best to stifle discussion regarding the conquests of the octanistas and has turned an all but blind eye to the inevitable. Fortunately the Australian authorities, as well as the Australian media have been keeping a close eye on a man who is obviously a contact of the octonistas as it seems he was caught downloading their propaganda, though this is nothing compared to the ruling.

The most shocking aspect of this story is not that their slimy tentacles were involved. No, the most disturbing element of this story is that:
The judge said McLagan had little, if any, interest in child pornography and that it was accessed while he was trawling for bestiality images.

This brings me to the point of this letter. It is increasingly clear that the acceptance of cephalopod-on-human bestiality is but the tip of the iceberg, and serves as but only a means to an end. And this mentally ill man is but a snowflake on the tip of the iceberg. Octopus porn is the gateway drug of porn, it is like beer, marijuana, cigarettes, and Pokemon all rolled into one.

Please take this in to consideration Dr. Dobson, and know that we at the C of A and Parents Opposing Octopus Porn are in dire need of your help and influence.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Move Over George Takei

I always had my suspicions...

Benny Lava Strikes Back

How does he do it? His lyrics are so profound.

The Ewok Gospel Song

Let's put aside our differences and let's hear it for the Ewoks!!!

It's official, we have lost track.

We no longer know the numerical day of Awesomeness this is, nor do we care. The important thing is that we are back on our Monday routine. And why is Monday so important? That, like all things, will be explained in time.

Friday, August 1, 2008

To Those Who Claim They Possess the Secret...

We at the Church of Awesomeness have taken a firm stand against books that promise easy fortunes long before the Church became orthodox, behold:
Behold there is truth in the world, and those that have observed that have noticed that it sucketh. Whoa to them who suffer from eternal optimism because they most likely have a tapeworm. Striketh down those who claim to knoweth the secret, for most likely they observith Oprah, whether obese or not, and take her seriously... For she is a fat bitch, and no amount of book clubs can changeth that.

--2 Bnengets 5:7-14

The Beatles have nothing on us.

Rivers Micheal Dunhan, they say it's your birthday...

The Internets are working Again...

Perhaps it is because Ted Stevens has been indicted, so as to clear the drainage of the Internets, because it is after all, a series of tubes... that get clogged so to speak.... yeah.