Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Just When You Thought It Wasn't Possible

There is apparently a religion stupider than ours.

Arch Bishop Troy's Entrepreneurial Spirit

Apparently, he is making lawn mowers...

Now open your Hymn Book to page 169...

Now sing along: In my country there is problem...

Just so you know...

I believe Satan commandeered my HTML, because I just put the same Dog damned thing one minute later and it went Nazi on me. But through a HTML editor, it finally recognized the Dog damned link. Bitches....

The Nature of Satan is Revealed

Although cited from a sister religion, it was revealed through our misogynistic alpha dog deity, the All Mighty Butt-Sniffer, that the adversary Satan has made her presence known.

It's the last time we can star in teeny video

The nineteenth assembly of the Church of Awesomeness is called to order. Please return to your seat and keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times. No flash photography please... Though you may flash us if desired.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Jug of Milk Conspiracy

Well since we don't condone praying to Dog, you might as well address His secretary "The Jug of Milk."

A clearer picture of the Whore of Babylon Highland

Last week I quoted Revelations in regards to my whore slut (a whore is a profession) of an ex-girlfriend in an attempt to put this all in context. Of course the Bible is not the preferred text considering they spell Dog G-o-d so they can't be that accurate. Arch Bishop Troy in his all in his piety was more than helpful in locating a more proper sermon in regards to my ex's matters of infidelity:
"Bitch, whore... these names reserved for female dogs and politicians. Babylon has fallen, as did Norton Air Force Base. From whence do the new Babylonians dwell? Highland, mother of all STD hordes of whores. On the street that north most intersects Piedmont, near the Wal-mart does she resideth: The Whore of the New Babylon. Highland, Ca. Woe is he that taketh her in for she will clog your toilets, drink your spirits, and urinate on your carpets and couches. She causeth your 'friends' to sleep with her and argue with you over very nature of digital television as if it were high definition. She debateth not what she knowith and demandith sympathy for every transgression she claimeth happened her. Heed not her crocodile tears because she will fuckith your 'friend' when you lookith not."

--Pre-Evangelations 12:16-34

Optimus Porn... Well not really

He gets a fist up the tailpipe from Ratchet, albeit for a "prostate exam."

Sirens Sing for it is...

the Eighteenth convention of the Church of Awesomeness has come to fruition... We are legal now, so sign us up for the draft, give us our cheap smut, cigarettes and a lottery ticket.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Excommunication of Danielle Livingston

So it turns out my ex-girlfriend is a whore. That is not news to those who try to keep themselves informed, but I was shocked to find that this was predicted in the Bible.
And there came one of the seven angels which had the seven vials, and talked with me, saying unto me, Come hither; I will shew unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters: With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication. So he carried me away in the spirit into the wilderness: and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet coloured beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns. And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication: And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.

--Revelations 17:1-6
Of course this could be coincidence but then I found this picture of her and I couldn't help but wonder...

Of course this was confirmed when she admitted to me that she had cheated on me with a so called friend of mine who goes by the name of Nicholas Burris. So there you have it, one more reason for me not to have one iota of faith in humanity, and sadly the first excommunication from the Church.

More pictures of the Whore of Babylon to come.

And the Douche Bag of the Week Award goes to...

Drum roll please...

Bill O'Reilly!!!

Wow, I just happened to have a graphic already with his likeness on it. What are the chances?

All the World is a Whorehouse

No really, and it is time for us to initiate the 17th gathering of the Church of Awesomeness... Roxanne, you don't need to put the red light.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Church has a test for admittance now

Many people have asked "how do I become a member in the Church of Awesomeness?" for which I haven't had a coherent answer or litmus test for... until now. It seems the folks at OK Cupid have provided a platform for us to test "would be" members so if you think you have the meddle, then you can take the test now.

Editor's note: If you are clever you can find my profile where in lies a picture of me in my birthday suit.

P.O.O.P. addesses James Dobson of Focus On The Family

Dear Dr. James Dobson,

I am contacting you as a representative of a coalition of concerned citizens of this United States of America. As the head Deacon of my Church I have personally witnessed the surrounding community give rise to the greatest epidemic to plague the twenty first century. That stain on humanity is, of course, the social ailment of Octopus Porn.

As a faithful leader of the evangelical community you have been doing His work and helped nudge our country towards that coveted spot in his monochromatic vision as the "Shining City on a Hill." Highlighting and ostracizing the homos has done well to rally the base, but we stand in awe of a new generation of leftist moral-relativists, whose very presence undermines the moral fabric of America. I am of course referring to the Octonistas which have managed to commandeer the Internets and proliferate their perversions via the technological tentacles of the web.

On behalf of myself and Archbishop Troy, we implore you to check out the links referenced in this letter, or just google "tentacle porn" or "octopus porn." You will find they not only engage in cephlapod-to-human beastiality, but also in homosexual acts amongst different Octonista species.

This threat is a real and we could use your support in this.


Parents Opposing Octopus Porn: 2nd District of the C of A.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Awesomess in a Birthday Suit

Behold, the 16th convening of the Church of Awesomeness just happens to coincide with Cinco de Mayo and Archbishop Troy's 24th birthday. I don't know what planet it is off-hand, but apparently it is aligned with Uranus.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Watchers

I don't know if you have ever heard of these douche bags, but I had the misfortune of delivering a pizza to these weirdos about a year ago. It turns out someone ordered the pizza as a prank, but these people came out and threatened to call the cops on me. Only later did I hear of their reputation and as it turns out there is quite the following of them on youtube.

At first I thought how awful it must be to have kids constantly stopping in front of your house, but then I remembered how rude they were to me and also if they weren't constantly watching out their windows like creeps maybe people would lose interest. So thery bring it upon themselves and that is why they have earned the title of "Douche bag of the Week."

A Familiar Face: A Eulogy for a Friend

Cross-posted at Mildly
Lately I have seen someone so frequently that I can draw them from memory. That someone is Death. I speak metaphorically of course, but if I was the nocturnal emission of Ingmar Bergman I would challenge my newfound adversary to a game of chess... speed chess. Let's face it, in this fast paced world we have schedules to maintain.

My latest meeting involved someone too damn young to be abducted by a pasty-faced scythe wielding druid. The last secondary job I had was doing security at a sleepy mountain town resort where I befriended said individual. He was the son of my boss; a feisty woman with a pension for tyrannical persuasions; when left to her own devices; who ultimately drove me away with her inability to maintain a Fonzy-like presence, which is necessary in modern day management. He showed all the symptoms of an iconoclast: an inability to fit in fashion wise, the disregard for rules, speed limits, boundaries, and suggestions. He was known to even defy me even though he and I knew it was an exercise in futility.

Drake was a man boy after my own heart. I say boy because he was not allowed the luxury to grow into a man. Fate, cruel like a media critic, took a premature swipe at him and left him without a future. He was not allowed to fulfill his destiny as a computer hacker, a mastermind criminal, or even worse, a CEO of [insert successful corporation here]. At 14 he died from massive head trauma due to an untimely automobile accident and left a few hundred people at a loss for words.

At the service I was moved, yet not surprised at the attendance.