Dear Dr. James Dobson,
I am contacting you as a representative of a coalition of concerned citizens of this United States of America. As the head Deacon of my Church I have personally witnessed the surrounding community give rise to the greatest epidemic to plague the twenty first century. That stain on humanity is, of course, the social ailment of Octopus Porn.
As a faithful leader of the evangelical community you have been doing His work and helped nudge our country towards that coveted spot in his monochromatic vision as the "Shining City on a Hill." Highlighting and ostracizing the homos has done well to rally the base, but we stand in awe of a new generation of leftist moral-relativists, whose very presence undermines the moral fabric of America. I am of course referring to the Octonistas which have managed to commandeer the Internets and proliferate their perversions via the technological tentacles of the web.
On behalf of myself and Archbishop Troy, we implore you to check out the links referenced in this letter, or just google "tentacle porn" or "octopus porn." You will find they not only engage in cephlapod-to-human beastiality, but also in homosexual acts amongst different Octonista species.
This threat is a real and we could use your support in this.
Parents Opposing Octopus Porn: 2nd District of the C of A.