Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Movie Review: Star Warped

There are several things we could have done this evening that we could have done to kill thirty four minutes. Group masturbation games involving toast comes to mind, as well as making sure the rectal thermometer still works. Honestly, I wouldn't even subject Heinrich Himmler to this onslaught of Trisomy 21 influenced clay-mation. Perhaps mass enemas would have been a better use of time.

This is the result of too much available stop-motion technology and modeling clay coupled with the lack of much needed supervision of acne ridden comic con nerds that would have been better off spending their time beating off to pictures of Bobba Fett and Princess Leia. The plot is simple: a disruption in the space-time continuum has brought poorly sculpted renditions of our favorite sci-fi characters together to fight a war of good and evil which will determine the fate of the universe. The main protagonists are cheap knock offs of Spock and Captain Kirk from the original Star Trek series, who must get back the monolith to restore order as instructed by the Star Child from 2001, which suspiciously sounds like a foul mouthed Sean Connery. Their adversary is "Darth Vapor": a lame flatulent two-dimensional parody of Darth Vader that would have been better off being voiced by Pee Wee Herman. Alliances are formed on both sides involving Robocop, E.T., The Terminator, Alien, The Predator, and Darth Mini Maul: another proponent of the "Dark Smell of the Force".

Personally, the only "Dark Smell" we could detect emanated from this movie. Should you feel the need to punish yourself in this way you could watch this movie, but it would be equally entertaining to piss in a live wall socket.

We give this movie a -2 stars.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Happy Birthday Jouse!!!

We got you a cake in honor of your nineteenth birthday, but it must have been made by an illegal alien or something because he severely mispelled your name. Oh well, it is the thought that counts.

I don't even know what to make of this...

Apparently the Octonistas are no longer content peddling their hardcore smut propaganda and have opted to go into the advertisement field. Perhaps they are exploring new avenues of indoctrination, or are looking for new sources of revenue... I can't be sure, but what I do know is that we must boycott any product they are affiliated with. I encourage all Awesomites to abstain from drinking Orangina and if possible, write the company expressing your outrage.

Side note: It is apparent that James Dobson is not taking this threat seriously, so if you want to voice your concerns to a culture warrior, I suggest Tony Perkins.

Kierra's "tiny" feet

I have had a theory about the Arch Bishop for some time now. He far too tall to be a mere mortal. In fact, I suspect he is descended from nephilim... That is to say somewhere in his family tree someone got freaky with an angel. I present to you exhibit A: the footprints of his newborn daughter. How many human infants have feet this large?

This is by far the most damning evidence to date.

Awesomeness Returns!!!

Well sort of... It was a minimal sermon tonight for several reasons. First of all as a new father the Arch Bishop doesn't have as much free time as he used to, and had already promised his girlfriend he would run errands with her the next day. Secondly, I am just recovered from the stomach flu, which needless to say, was anything but awesome. And lastly, the Internets crapped out like clockwork at about ten.