Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Doing my sermon via satellite

Since I am out of town in some savage backward village the locals call "San Diego" doing missionary work, I decided to wire a little sermon in leu of regularly scheduled service. So please, sit on your faces like the most pious Arch Bishop Troy, and meditate feverishly as you take in today's lesson
And it came to pass that Bnengets found himself once again answering questions posed by the elders of Mentone. Thus spaketh the chief priest the Mentonenittes called Smegma, "Oh teacher, but if thou doth knowest the will of Dog, then surely you can tell us the meaning of it all." Bnengets sat silently on the ground and drew a symbol of a penis in the sand before rubbing it out and then replied, "We can all be ugly sometimes. Bags under our eyes, the vile things we can say... Veins portruding from our foreheads. I would like to think that without these incidents we couldn't be beautiful. Flowers would smell like plastic and love would be nondescript. And just like the universe, we can't help but destroy ourselves. Negative numbers help balance out the equation, and imaginary numbers I'd rather not discuss at the moment. For every glass that is half empty lives a sucessful fool who sees it half full, and whether we choose to count the ashes or call them fertilizer, existence collapses onto itself just the same, only to expand, rinse and repeat if desired." Baffled by his wisdom, the edlers stood silent while their anus' collective clinched.

--2 Bnengets 12:20-53

Monday, April 28, 2008

No Church Today

Due to a lack of awesomeness in my life and Arch Bishop Troy's, Church has been postponed until next Monday evening/Tuesday morning.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

We are not alone in our OUTRAGE.

Apparantly people in Richmond have taken note and the word is spreading.

Octopus Porn in the News

Excerpted from The Sun:
SEVEN workers were suspended after being caught ogling sick internet images of a naked woman with an octopus.

And dozens more could be sacked after bosses at Ford's Dagenham plant in East London pledged a top-level probe.

Both production line and office staff are among those suspended for misuse of company computers.

A worker said last night: "The video is vile but a lot of the lads thought it was a scream.

"They gathered round computer screens and roared with laughter.

"But management didn’t see the funny side."

Ford stopped making cars at Dagenham three years ago but still has more than 5,000 workers making diesel engines for its range of family cars.

A company spokesman said: "We view this seriously as we have clear rules about use of company computers.

"Dismissal is among disciplinary options available to us."

The epidemic is spreading and employers are righfully taking action

Tonight is Brought to You By Cheap Malt Liquor

This is what is known as the reduced sacrament. The results are unsavory.

The Downfall of Civilization!!!

As recently recovered artifacts from an ancient civilization thought to have been the legendary Atlantis reveal it was not renegade technology, a cataclysmic geological event, nor a Cher music video that brought the Utopian society of the ancient world to its knees; rather it was the mass acceptance of Octopus Porn as an alternative lifestyle.

Below: Pictures from a cave relief found in North/East Yucaipa.

Oh Cali'Maurry and just "Mildly Brilliant"

You have yet to see the true scope of the epidemic of octopus porn that has proliferated throughout our society. Please stand up for Dog, and put these cephalopods in their place.

For the Gamers Out There...

This is for you. I stopped gaming a while back, but with the right set of eyes, and a nostalgic inebriated mind, one can almost hear the sound of thousands of dollars in quarters spent during a shiftless childhood.

Sorry Ms. Jackson, I am on Mario Paint.

This what you get when you cross two forties of Steel Reserve, Ritz Crackers, and a Ranch Cheese Ball: A loosely based Super Mario Brothers theme with disastrous consequences.

Speaking of Mario Bros...

Nick was sad... And admit it, you've thought of it.

RC Car Plays the Super Mario Brothers' Theme Song on Water Bottles


The Fifteenth Church of Awesomeness Begins!!!

And not only that, but I turned thirty a few minutes ago. Happy Birthday to me. Now if you don't mind I need to locate booze and a firearm.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Consorting with Dog

My mailbox has become inundated with e-mails asking how one communes with Dog. Of course the answer can easily be found in the good book:
"And how do we speak to this 'Dog' teacher?" But Bnengets saw into their hearts and replied "Do you hesitate to speak to a dog when soils your couch? Do you not yell at it? Does that dog understand you? No, they understand gestures. If you wish to be marked as Dog's territory you must show your submissiveness by meditating on your face. Then thy Almighty Butt-Sniffer will baptize you in his golden glory.

-- 2 Bnengets 3:56-62

Arch Bishop Troy has been known to do this for hours.

Monday, April 14, 2008

And on the Fourteenth day...

Of the fourth month, the fourteenth meeting of the Church of Awesomeness took place. And there was much rejoicing.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Awesomites: We need your help!

Nothing is more crucial to democracy than that of a voting populace. That is why it is imperative that all Awesonites vote ASAP. No, I am not talking about the Presidential elections, I am talking about our polls--specifically the one about the greatest threat to humanity. Now we at the Church of Awesomeness would never dream of telling one how one should vote, but one should take into serious consideration the bane to humanity that is known as octopus porn. Just saying...

OMD! They got Cyndi Lauper too. Those Bastards!!!

It is clear from the video that she wasn't a willing participant in the debauchery, still I don't think I will be thinking of her in a lustful way anymore since she has been tainted by their tentacle touch.

South Park vs. Youtube Stars

Saw this episode and was curious to see the original people it lampoons. Turns out someone on Youtube did all the legwork for me.

Deleted Scene from the Goonies

We were busy being distracted from our devotional duties to Dog by this movie called "The Goonies" when we stumbled upon this deleted scene where Martha Plimpton is molested by a giant octopus. Will they stop at nothing?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Ok, ok... Keep your shirt on.

The thirteenth convening of the Church of Awesomeness is about to begin. Anyone need to use the restroom before we start?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

More Proof of their Promiscuity

Octopus Porn - Click here for more home videos

Look at these sluts...

Show the Octonistas You're Not Going to Take It Any More

Make a stand by sporting our official shirt and let our eight limbed friends know that we are not going to except their promiscuous lifestyle.

What's worse than octopus sex?

Gay octopus sex. These creatures are immoral. Quick someone alert James Dobson.

Why worry about terrorists when elephants can paint.

Seriously, I am not worried about Bobo leading an army of pissed off primates to enslave mankind. Nor do I worry about artificial intelligence getting a hair up its cybornetic ass and going postal on humanity. And a six foot arab on dialysis doesn't make me wet myself either, but the fact that elephants are crashing the art scene these days... that is down right disturbing. It is only a matter of time before they learn kung fu, take up nunchukus, or pick up a RPG and declare jihad.

Look, up in the sky!!!

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Black Bismark... No, it's the twelfth meeting of the Church of Awesomeness!!!