Tuesday, August 26, 2008

P.O.O.P. writes a letter to Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman (or some underling that represents her on Myspace),

I tried to locate your real e-mail address, but it turns out that as a celebrity you are a hard person to make personal contact with... Who would of thought. I understand that you are busy making crappy movies like the prequels to the Star Wars movies, so I won't waste too much of your precious time. It is just that your new Carmenista video has been brought to my attention, and I must say I am very offended.

You see we at the Church of Awesomeness have taken a severe stand against cephalopod-to-human husbandry. We would have been content with gay marriage, but it seems this is the religious right's main squeeze and we are not about to jack someone else's love. Anyhow, we were the first religious organization to correctly identify the threat, and are greatly dismayed with the subtle, although effective reference to it in your new video: "Carmenista".

First of all, may I say it? Call a spade a spade: you should call it "Octonista". Second of all, is the subject matter: Your character, a scorned lover, kills herself and re-incarnates into an octopus. Why an octopus? Why not a ferret, or a platypus? You could have even reincarnated as a slug or some other invertebrate like a sea cucumber or a jelly fish... But you didn't. You chose to represent the enemy.

It has occurred to me that you may be the second coming of Jane Fonda and just don't realize who you are representing, so allow me to elucidate. Perhaps you haven't heard the news about the direct correlation found between octopus porn and child pornography. Or maybe you missed the story about the homosexual tendencies of said beasts or their flagrant promiscuity. Either way, they don't have a moral bone in their bodies and this could have something to do with the fact that they are descendants of mollusks, the spineless conniving bastards that they are.

Furthermore, I am suspicious of your surname "Port Man." This is a nautical expression if I even heard one. It would behoove you to disavow any ties with anything with eight appendages, and while you are at it: George Lucas. We will be watching.

--Buck Thompson, Head Deacon of the Church of Awesomeness (and vice president of Parents Opposing Octopus Porn.)

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