Douchebag of the Week: Heidi Montag

"Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

--Heidi Montag, of "The Hills."

Now children, can you say douche bag? I knew you could.

The Problem With Modern Wifebeating is...

... That we don't use our Rods.

Thus sayeth our Muslim friends.

Apparently, JOUSE was correct.

The platypus is poisonous. I stand corrected.

Heaven is So Real

She has seen it and she is rocking, so it must be true.

Apparently, she is an international phenomenon. It must be the will of Dog.

But if that was not enough for you...

Again, the 4th!!!

...And it came to pass that Bnengets was famished from jazzercizing on the dunes of Mentone Beach, when a flea that had been scratched off the hindquarters of the Almighty Butt-Sniffer delivered this sacred singing telegram:

Pounder? I don't even know her.
Furbulous... That is not even a word
by the way.

I should hope not.

And it became clear to Bnengets that the acquisition of a sports-drink was in order.

--Pre-Evangelations 11:12-13

So, uh... yeah. Go America and Dog bless Lou Dobbs!!!

Man admits octopus porn downloads

Excerpted from The UK Metro:

A man has admitted in an Australian court to downloading octopus porn, as well as other images of sexual acts with ponies, tigers and snakes.

Rodney Scott McLagan, 48, also plead guilty to possessing child pornography – but his defence lawyer insisted that he had 'little or no interest' in the child porn, and only had it on his computer because it had been included in the bulk download of bestiality material.

What a sick bastard... and he had kiddie porn too. Dr. Dobson, hopefully you have recieved my letter by now and can see the severity of the situation now.

Satan Walks this Earth.

Luckily she is confined to Brian's house, but the other day she got out for about forty five minutes... Who knows what sorrow she has wrought.

Naughty Chopstick Instructions

How much do you want to bet the Octanistas are somehow behind this? Perhaps this is a preemptive strike towards those who might order Calamari.

Oh My Dog!!! It's Arch Bishop Troy!!!

It is uncanny..,

Our Message is Apparently Catching On.

And with that, let us begin the official twentieth communion for the Church of Awesomeness. (The nineteenth was undocumented and heavily under the influence of Rockband.)

Thank Dog for Hot

Through scientific study and thorough evaluation, it has been concluded that during the time around the Industrial Revolution a trend had begun that would not stop until there was nothing left. The results of that study shows the undeniable and...



Let us all thank Dog for the blessing of increasingly hot weather. Without it we may still all be wearing one-pieces.

And a large gathering had come to stand around the prophet Bnengets to heed his wisdom. Bnengets gazed upon the crowd and said, "Why do ye pant and perspire so profusely?" The people then replied, "The sun doth beat upon our shoulders and we know not were to find reprieve." Bnengets then lookethed to the sky and cursed Dog for the stupidity of the people. "Look unto yourselves to find reprieve," spoke Bnengets, "Your undergarments do be long and thick. At the loom ye shall make small and lighter ones, which shall be ever more comfortable and cheaper to make because less linen doth be needed." The multitude marveled at his sapience.

--1 Bnengets 31:6-7

The Origin of the Universe

They got one thing wrong--it's not Goooooooooooooooooooood, it's Dooooooooooooooooooooog.

Just When You Thought It Wasn't Possible

There is apparently a religion stupider than ours.

Arch Bishop Troy's Entrepreneurial Spirit

Apparently, he is making lawn mowers...

Now open your Hymn Book to page 169...

Now sing along: In my country there is problem...