P.O.O.P. writes a letter to Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman (or some underling that represents her on Myspace),

I tried to locate your real e-mail address, but it turns out that as a celebrity you are a hard person to make personal contact with... Who would of thought. I understand that you are busy making crappy movies like the prequels to the Star Wars movies, so I won't waste too much of your precious time. It is just that your new Carmenista video has been brought to my attention, and I must say I am very offended.

You see we at the Church of Awesomeness have taken a severe stand against cephalopod-to-human husbandry. We would have been content with gay marriage, but it seems this is the religious right's main squeeze and we are not about to jack someone else's love. Anyhow, we were the first religious organization to correctly identify the threat, and are greatly dismayed with the subtle, although effective reference to it in your new video: "Carmenista".

First of all, may I say it? Call a spade a spade: you should call it "Octonista". Second of all, is the subject matter: Your character, a scorned lover, kills herself and re-incarnates into an octopus. Why an octopus? Why not a ferret, or a platypus? You could have even reincarnated as a slug or some other invertebrate like a sea cucumber or a jelly fish... But you didn't. You chose to represent the enemy.

It has occurred to me that you may be the second coming of Jane Fonda and just don't realize who you are representing, so allow me to elucidate. Perhaps you haven't heard the news about the direct correlation found between octopus porn and child pornography. Or maybe you missed the story about the homosexual tendencies of said beasts or their flagrant promiscuity. Either way, they don't have a moral bone in their bodies and this could have something to do with the fact that they are descendants of mollusks, the spineless conniving bastards that they are.

Furthermore, I am suspicious of your surname "Port Man." This is a nautical expression if I even heard one. It would behoove you to disavow any ties with anything with eight appendages, and while you are at it: George Lucas. We will be watching.

--Buck Thompson, Head Deacon of the Church of Awesomeness (and vice president of Parents Opposing Octopus Porn.)

P.O.O.P. Attempts to Contact Dr. James Dobson a Second Time

Dear Dr. James Dobson and/or the good people of Focus on the Family,

A few months ago (May 6th to be exact) I wrote your staff in hopes that you would hear my plea for help. I can only assume that you are either inundated with questions about curing prepubescent boys of homosexual tendencies via father-son showers or that you don't feel that the current wave of cephalopod-on-human pornography outbreak on the Internets is of a legitimate concern. I am hoping that as a man of faith that the reason is not of the latter. It's apparent that the liberal media has done its best to stifle discussion regarding the conquests of the octanistas and has turned an all but blind eye to the inevitable. Fortunately the Australian authorities, as well as the Australian media have been keeping a close eye on a man who is obviously a contact of the octonistas as it seems he was caught downloading their propaganda, though this is nothing compared to the ruling.

The most shocking aspect of this story is not that their slimy tentacles were involved. No, the most disturbing element of this story is that:

The judge said McLagan had little, if any, interest in child pornography and that it was accessed while he was trawling for bestiality images.

This brings me to the point of this letter. It is increasingly clear that the acceptance of cephalopod-on-human bestiality is but the tip of the iceberg, and serves as but only a means to an end. And this mentally ill man is but a snowflake on the tip of the iceberg. Octopus porn is the gateway drug of porn, it is like beer, marijuana, cigarettes, and Pokemon all rolled into one.

Please take this in to consideration Dr. Dobson, and know that we at the C of A and Parents Opposing Octopus Porn are in dire need of your help and influence.

P.O.O.P. addesses James Dobson of Focus On The Family

Dear Dr. James Dobson,

I am contacting you as a representative of a coalition of concerned citizens of this United States of America. As the head Deacon of my Church I have personally witnessed the surrounding community give rise to the greatest epidemic to plague the twenty first century. That stain on humanity is, of course, the social ailment of Octopus Porn.

As a faithful leader of the evangelical community you have been doing His work and helped nudge our country towards that coveted spot in his monochromatic vision as the "Shining City on a Hill." Highlighting and ostracizing the homos has done well to rally the base, but we stand in awe of a new generation of leftist moral-relativists, whose very presence undermines the moral fabric of America. I am of course referring to the Octonistas which have managed to commandeer the Internets and proliferate their perversions via the technological tentacles of the web.

On behalf of myself and Archbishop Troy, we implore you to check out the links referenced in this letter, or just google "tentacle porn" or "octopus porn." You will find they not only engage in cephlapod-to-human beastiality, but also in homosexual acts amongst different Octonista species.

This threat is a real and we could use your support in this.

Sincerely,

Parents Opposing Octopus Porn: 2nd District of the C of A.