Dog Damnit!!!

It looks like we have been beaten to the punch. The Church of Awesomology? What the fuck is that? That isn't even a word! Even though they have been established longer than us this is clearly a preemptive counterfeit by Lucifer to undermine our faith in the one true Dog.

Movie Reviews: Dead or Alive

A movie that should be reserved for the completely inebriated and severely retarded; Dead or Alive stays true to its vague critic reference from View London: "The best movie adaption of a video game so far!" Well not really...

DOA is what the offspring of "Enter the Dragon," "Mortal Kombat," and any arbitrary episode of "The Three Stooges" would have been like if it had been given a Latte enema. The characters are ridiculous: Kasumi is a ninja princess, somehow... whose love interest is an extremely emasculated rendition of Ryu Hayabusa the super ninja of Tecmo fame; Ayane appears less Asian than the girl who plays Christie (a theoretically English girl); the Chinese characters Lei Fang and Jann Lee are disposed of quickly and stereotypically; and the general tone of the film is reminiscent of a feminist exploitation flick on steroids so powerful they are still considered "unclassifiable" to the likes of Barry Bonds. This production is a joke, as the cheap-ass CGI stands testament to.

But the truly oxymoronic bent lies in the moral of this fucked up fable... Not what the director meant to convey, but that which is important to savage bigamists like myself. A lesson that some thoughtfully articulated choreography, delightfully symmetrical women, and an eclectic collection of martial artists will always make me harder than Chinese algebra.

Given these circumstances, I give this movie a C+.

A Day in the Life...

Thus sayeth the prophet Bnengets:

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The 6.9 Strongly Worded Suggestions

Thus sayeth Dog to Bnengets There is but one Dog, I am the Alpha & the Beta, The Ralphs, The Vons, The Fonz, The Safeway, and when they are not on strike.. The Stater Bros.

I. You shall not get intimate with any other deity but me, unless I can watch.

II. Thou shalt not wear spandex.

III. Thou shalt not reject something of awesomeness, to do so is punishable by an indeterminate stint in the Inland Empire aka: Heck.

IV. Murdering other people is looked down upon, unless the victim is voluntarily listening to ABBA, or believes wrestling is real. Bad driving is also acceptable.

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V. Imaginary numbers are evil and will not be tolerated. Neither will irrational numbers...

VI. THUS SAYETH THE LORD YOUR DOG, PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPITALS ARE FUCKTARDS.

VI.IX Above all, thou shalt never jam one's penis in...

Sodom & Gomorrah

It happened...

"Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven, and he looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the valley, and he saw, and behold, the smoke of the land ascended like the smoke of a furnace..."

--Genesis 19:24-28

Behold...

Behold, The Church of Awesomeness!!!

When the Blue Moon stands sentinel half-full in the House of Troy the soothsayers of the C of A prognosticate with amazing 19% accuracy the upcoming trials and tribulations of particular pizza parlors.

Due to the effects of the liquid ether consumed by these oracles of ostentageousness entire revelations have lost their way navigating through the memory fog... That is until now.

From this day on scribes will record these epiphanies, and this priceless wisdom will pass down to the masses. For those who can hear, let them hear. And those who can't let them use American sign language. So ask and and it might be granted... if you use the magic word; knock and we will not hear you... use the door bell.
We are here to hear, but that is neither here nor there. Enter oh inebriated one, the doors of the Church of Awesomeness are open.