The Church of Awesomeness

Octanistas have turned our fish friends.

2011-08-07T15:02:00.000-07:00

After weeks of hanging with the octopi, Ariel wants to swim ashore and screw the brains out of unsuspecting humans. We are telling you people, they are out there and they are waiting to strike.

Oh, Monkey Balls!

2011-08-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

She won doubly big at the carnival.

A New Day Has Dawned

2010-04-06T00:51:00.000-07:00

And the High Priestess Called to her Men "There will be Church Tonight!"

The Holy Number 420...

2010-02-12T00:35:00.000-08:00

...and why you shouldn't use it in vain.

The First Officially Sanctioned Church of Awesomeness Meeting of 2010

2010-02-12T00:25:00.000-08:00

Let the awesomeness begin...

Another Eyewitness Account of Satan

2009-09-16T04:20:00.000-07:00

I got to warn you it ain't pretty:

Note the fangs and the left eye half open.... And you all thought I was crazy.

Don't Worry Baby

2009-09-16T03:54:00.000-07:00

Brian Wilson is a personal hero of mine, in more ways than one. For instance, he loved making music, but it is obvious he didn't like the limelight. I love to karaoke, but I don't like the attention. Clapping is nice, but random women grabbing me on or off stage makes me extremely uncomfortable. I prefer to be the voice people heard and didn't realize it wasn't the album. I think Brian would agree. His heart had something to say, but I don't think he wanted people to see his face delivering it. Watch this video if you don't believe me.

For all those who have Diabetes

2009-09-16T01:37:00.000-07:00

It could be worse, you could have diabeetis...

The more you know...

It's been a while...

2009-09-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

...but awesomeness is back. Sound the trumpets, roll out the red carpet, and pick up some brown people at Home Despot, because this may be interesting.

The High Priestess and I play poker with a complete tool...

2009-08-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

Ahmasi O'Daniel: good hand
D'mitri Wyllchen: lame ass hand
D'mitri Wyllchen: all in on a jack and eight
D'mitri Wyllchen: vs pocket aces?
D'mitri Wyllchen: There is no god.
Ahmasi O'Daniel: nice
Dee Jizzle: hey meghan try dee's nuts
Meghan Stanton: clever
Dee Jizzle: tell me about it
Meghan Stanton: almost as much as jizzle
D'mitri Wyllchen: how appropriate, they're peanuts
Ahmasi O'Daniel: ())=====D
Dee Jizzle: read what it says
Dee Jizzle: NUTS
Ahmasi O'Daniel: ())=====DAmy Browne: nh
Meghan Stanton: but they sell peanuts at the circus
Meghan Stanton: you know that right
Dee Jizzle: thx for enlightening me
Amy Browne: hrmm
dopes! : owned.
Meghan Stanton: your welcome
Dee Jizzle: pure mad skillsssssssss
D'mitri Wyllchen: mad luck
D'mitri Wyllchen: pocket tens
Dee Jizzle: whenever u lose it's luck
Dee Jizzle: quit cryin
Meghan Stanton: no whenver you play it'slick
D'mitri Wyllchen: saying the sky is blue isn't crying
Dee Jizzle: if u consider winning with pocket 10s is luck
D'mitri Wyllchen: it is
Dee Jizzle: u need to learn poker
Meghan Stanton: i play poker
D'mitri Wyllchen: I know how to play thank you
Dee Jizzle: its called skill
Dee Jizzle: get some
Meghan Stanton: not russian roulette
Dee Jizzle: meghan u seem to play bingo
D'mitri Wyllchen: It's called fashion sense, get some
Dee Jizzle: the best thing u can do right now is cry
Meghan Stanton: ...weak.
Dee Jizzle: coz i won with pocket 10s by luck
Ahmasi O'Daniel: they asked about you dee
D'mitri Wyllchen: yeah you did
D'mitri Wyllchen: you didn't see the flop
D'mitri Wyllchen: you had tens
D'mitri Wyllchen: what strategy is that
Dee Jizzle: thats why i go all in pre-flop
D'mitri Wyllchen: check this out
D'mitri Wyllchen: I take a reolver
Dee Jizzle: best hand b4 the flop
D'mitri Wyllchen: I put a bullet in
D'mitri Wyllchen: spin it
D'mitri Wyllchen: it doesn't blow my brains out
D'mitri Wyllchen: I have mad skills
Dee Jizzle: wow
D'mitri Wyllchen: same concept
Dee Jizzle: ur comparing FAKE poker with risking ur life
D'mitri Wyllchen: and I had pocket aces before the other flop
D'mitri Wyllchen: the best hand
D'mitri Wyllchen: the other guy had a jack and eight
D'mitri Wyllchen: I clearly had the better hand
D'mitri Wyllchen: but it didn't work out that way
Dee Jizzle: he got luckty in that case
D'mitri Wyllchen: because of luck
Dee Jizzle: lucky*
D'mitri Wyllchen: exactly
D'mitri Wyllchen: samething with you
Dee Jizzle: but 10 10 is different from 8 J
D'mitri Wyllchen: had an ace shown up you wouldn't have won
D'mitri Wyllchen: luck
Jenifer Stanton: meg fix your damn computer
Dee Jizzle: hahaha
D'mitri Wyllchen: but I had AA
Dee Jizzle: ur pathetic
Dee Jizzle: just keep on playing
D'mitri Wyllchen: That is clearly better than 10 10
Dee Jizzle: dude, quit whining
Meghan Stanton: you're a retard
Dee Jizzle: whom are u talkin to ?
D'mitri Wyllchen: Ok do the math skills boy AA> 10 10
Ahmasi O'Daniel: *****
D'mitri Wyllchen: yet lost
D'mitri Wyllchen: =luck
Meghan Stanton: dee-da-dee
Ahmasi O'Daniel: ***'**
Ahmasi O'Daniel: who re
Dee Jizzle: Meghan u're an ugly face
D'mitri Wyllchen: nice pet rock
Meghan Stanton: ...weak.
Ahmasi O'Daniel: actually meghans kind of hot
Ahmasi O'Daniel: jus sayin
D'mitri Wyllchen: said the toolset with the wannabe aviators
Dee Jizzle: yeah shez definitely a hot white trash girl
Dee Jizzle: agreeed
Ahmasi O'Daniel: like your mom
D'mitri Wyllchen: and you
Dee Jizzle: Ahmasi
D'mitri Wyllchen: 're obviously compensating for a tweezer dick
Dee Jizzle: what a name
Ahmasi O'Daniel: sorry dee jizzle
Jenifer Stanton: if anyone is trash its you
D'mitri Wyllchen: said the guy with "jizz" in his name
Jenifer Stanton: dee
Meghan Stanton: i said the same about Dee Jizzle
Ahmasi O'Daniel: ****in kook
Ahmasi O'Daniel: street kings has a good rant about you
Dee Jizzle: what a bunch of retards
Meghan Stanton: dee-da-dee
Dee Jizzle: i'll just enjoy takin ur money
Dee Jizzle: keep on blabbing suckers
D'mitri Wyllchen: yes enjoy our fiat money
D'mitri Wyllchen: and you keep looking like a douche... we all have parts to play.
Dee Jizzle: okay mama's lil boy
D'mitri Wyllchen: BTW, Pee Wee Herman called and he wants his hairstyle back.
Dee Jizzle: ur mom called and she wants her bra back
D'mitri Wyllchen: Clever Ed Grimmly, think that up all on your own?
Ahmasi O'Daniel: wd grimley -- weak
Ahmasi O'Daniel: thats a pretty clever do i must say
Dee Jizzle: wow, it takes all of you to fight with me
Dee Jizzle: i feel proud
Meghan Stanton: that took a lot of thought, huh?
Ahmasi O'Daniel: say i t loud im whack and im proud
Dee Jizzle: yeah it did, white trash slu t
Dee Jizzle: c ya douchebags
Dee Jizzle: thx for all that money
Jenifer Stanton: f off
D'mitri Wyllchen: come back when you get hair on your balls boy
Ahmasi O'Daniel: awww dont go
D'mitri Wyllchen: It wasway past his bed time
Meghan Stanton: i'm suprised. i didn't think retards knew come backs.
D'mitri Wyllchen: He didn't really.
dopes! : you guys are both retarded for getting mad at someone, online.
D'mitri Wyllchen: Who cares
D'mitri Wyllchen: I was just having fun with the little lad.
Jenifer Stanton: meghan go to br

Reduce, Recycle, Re-use

2009-03-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

An Experiment

2009-03-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

Seriously what the fuck is up with Asian people?

I just don't know what to think about this.

2009-03-06T02:55:00.001-08:00

It was a prophecy...

A good T-shirt for the all natural girls...

2009-03-06T02:45:00.000-08:00

Ingenuity

2009-02-06T23:40:00.000-08:00

As only a true member of the church can deliver.

Quite possibly the most AWESOME thing I have ever seen!!!

2009-02-06T13:15:00.000-08:00

Warning: You cannot view this video in a sober fashion or we'll get all alpha dog on your ass.

$+@|\|

2009-02-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

All your base are belong to Stan.

Ok, I'll bite... 25 random things about me.

2009-02-06T03:29:00.000-08:00

1. I like tequila, not José Cuervo.

2. I am an Atheist, and no this isn't just a phase I'm going through.

3. Charles Bukowski is one of my favorite writers.

4. I love cheese, which makes my lactose intolerance that more ironic.

5. I have been known to close cupboard doors & flick off light switches with my feet, and shin kick palm trees when I am drunk.

6. Long hair on a woman gets me harder than Chinese algebra.

7. I am pedantic.

8. You truly don't know a person until you play Chess with them.

9. My ASVAB test pointed towards these professions: politician, teacher, sniper, & dancer?

10. Just like in photography, there is a "magic hour" in which I am a pretty damn good pool player; but it's when I'm moderately intoxicated; and like Sisyphus, I never get that rock up that fucking hill.

11. I think Troy is a fuckrock.

12. Yeah, that is an inside joke, and no I am not going to explain.

13. I own an RV and it is named "The Divine Providence": Ironic, isn't it?

14. I have thick healthy Blagojevich-worthy hair down to the middle of my back and it pisses a lot of women off.

15. I am right-handed, though I can be ambidextrous when it comes to most things.

16. I am a liberal Democrat that enjoys the Second Amendment.

17. Brian Wilson's best works were "Don't Worry Baby", "God Only Knows", and "Good Vibrations".

18. I wear eight hole Doc Martins (size 11) and Levi 527's (34/30 boot cut) if you are wondering what to buy me.

19. I love sushi... Yet interestingly enough don't like most cooked fish.

20. I spit on a llama once. He started it. No, really... I was fourteen and my mom yelled at me for it.

21. I am currently studying to be a Radiology Tech.

22. House is my favorite TV show at the moment. Big surprise.

23. There is no "R' in Washington, and if you pronounce it like that you sound ignorant.

24. Of all negative personality aspects, I hate lying. I view it as an insult to my intelligence.

25. If there ever was a "Heaven", it involves wine tasting in Northern California, a whole lot of sex, chocolate and fruit.

Vocalise on the theremin

2009-02-06T01:09:00.000-08:00

Randy George, the guy who brought us Gnarles Barkley's, the Super Mario Bros and Zelda theme songs on theremin, is at it again on this piece by Rachmaninov.

All your base are belong to us!!!

2009-01-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

And heavens cracked like an egg, and the Dog of hosts spaketh "All your base are belong to us!!!" And the people who felt the burden of such news cried out in anguish "Oh no, they set us up the bomb!!!"

--2 Bnengets 54:12-13

No truer words have ever been spoken...

Movie Review: Star Warped

2008-12-30T01:42:00.000-08:00

There are several things we could have done this evening that we could have done to kill thirty four minutes. Group masturbation games involving toast comes to mind, as well as making sure the rectal thermometer still works. Honestly, I wouldn't even subject Heinrich Himmler to this onslaught of Trisomy 21 influenced clay-mation. Perhaps mass enemas would have been a better use of time.

This is the result of too much available stop-motion technology and modeling clay coupled with the lack of much needed supervision of acne ridden comic con nerds that would have been better off spending their time beating off to pictures of Bobba Fett and Princess Leia. The plot is simple: a disruption in the space-time continuum has brought poorly sculpted renditions of our favorite sci-fi characters together to fight a war of good and evil which will determine the fate of the universe. The main protagonists are cheap knock offs of Spock and Captain Kirk from the original Star Trek series, who must get back the monolith to restore order as instructed by the Star Child from 2001, which suspiciously sounds like a foul mouthed Sean Connery. Their adversary is "Darth Vapor": a lame flatulent two-dimensional parody of Darth Vader that would have been better off being voiced by Pee Wee Herman. Alliances are formed on both sides involving Robocop, E.T., The Terminator, Alien, The Predator, and Darth Mini Maul: another proponent of the "Dark Smell of the Force".

Personally, the only "Dark Smell" we could detect emanated from this movie. Should you feel the need to punish yourself in this way you could watch this movie, but it would be equally entertaining to piss in a live wall socket.

We give this movie a -2 stars.

Happy Birthday Jouse!!!

2008-12-09T06:32:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday Jouse!!!
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

We got you a cake in honor of your nineteenth birthday, but it must have been made by an illegal alien or something because he severely mispelled your name. Oh well, it is the thought that counts.

I don't even know what to make of this...

2008-12-09T06:21:00.001-08:00

I don't even know what to make of this...
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

Apparently the Octonistas are no longer content peddling their ~~hardcore smut~~ propaganda and have opted to go into the advertisement field. Perhaps they are exploring new avenues of indoctrination, or are looking for new sources of revenue... I can't be sure, but what I do know is that we must boycott any product they are affiliated with. I encourage all Awesomites to abstain from drinking Orangina and if possible, write the company expressing your outrage.

Side note: It is apparent that James Dobson is not taking this threat seriously, so if you want to voice your concerns to a culture warrior, I suggest Tony Perkins.

Kierra's "tiny" feet

2008-12-09T05:57:00.001-08:00

Kierra's "tiny" feet
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

I have had a theory about the Arch Bishop for some time now. He far too tall to be a mere mortal. In fact, I suspect he is descended from nephilim... That is to say somewhere in his family tree someone got freaky with an angel. I present to you exhibit A: the footprints of his newborn daughter. How many human infants have feet this large?

This is by far the most damning evidence to date.

Awesomeness Returns!!!

2008-12-09T05:33:00.000-08:00

Well sort of... It was a minimal sermon tonight for several reasons. First of all as a new father the Arch Bishop doesn't have as much free time as he used to, and had already promised his girlfriend he would run errands with her the next day. Secondly, I am just recovered from the stomach flu, which needless to say, was anything but awesome. And lastly, the Internets crapped out like clockwork at about ten.

Happy Birthday Keira Elizabeth Wakefield!!!

2008-11-09T20:29:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday Keira Elizabeth Wakefield!!!
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

On the ninth day of the eleventh month of the eighth year of the second millenium, a child shall be born. Her birth will usher in an era of awesomeness and prosperity in the world that surrounds her. She will also poopith green.

--1 Bnengetts 7:17

Today is a most sacred day in the Church of Awesomeness. Also, as you may have guessed, church will be postponed for a while.

A House Divided

2008-11-04T02:29:00.000-08:00

This is the scene from Arch Bishop Troy's parent's house. Or it least it was until some handjob stole the "No on Prop &" sign."

Mario Bros. Theremin Style

2008-10-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's worthy.

Stop Playing with Your Wang!

2008-10-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

Ever since its debut in the early 70's, this device has been the desire of every nerdy pre and even some post-pubescent males. Some females have even been know to own and even correctly operate the Wang 600.

As you can see, who wouldn't want to have such a beefy Wang... 600.

Cynical Heiroglyphs

2008-10-29T05:13:00.000-07:00

This prehistoric relief was found carved into the side of a cliff on the shores of Mentone Beach. I am not sure what the significance of it is, but it appears to portray the Goddess of Cynicism in human form. As for the symbol and the apparatus beside her and their meaning, I can only guess. I will ask the Arch Bishop when he awakes.

Eli & Satan Paint

2008-10-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah, this didn't happen at church, but rather at Brian's House, but it was such a good picture of Satan I just had to include it. Look at her all perched, waiting to destroy whatever Eli would create.

Jouse: Queen of the Ewoks

2008-10-29T03:34:00.000-07:00

Goddess of all things cute and tiny. If it is small, bites, nips at your heels, or is fixated on your nipples, chances are it is a servant, avatar, or manifestation of the munchkin herself. There is no reasoning with this deity. The best thing you can do is hold her head at arms length and let her swing until she is exhausted.

Bastardology 101: Diagnosing a sick bastard.

2008-10-29T02:50:00.000-07:00

Something was wrong with the bastard tonight. He wasn't his normal charming self. First of all he was nice, and lovey-dovey. Second of all he seemed to lack his normal feral attitude towards everything under the sun. It was like he lost his common sense...

Have an Awesome Halloween!!!

2008-10-25T06:49:00.001-07:00

Have an Awesome Halloween!!!
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

That said, the Church of Awesomeness regrets to inform it's pack (flocks are for sheep) that there will be no service this Monday evening/Tuesday morning due Arch Bishop Troy's and my schedules. We also apologize for the lack of original content, which can only be the result of witchcraft. If anyone has the number of Sarah Palin's pastor, please contact us ASAP.

Jesus Light Switch

2008-10-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

The sad part is I don't think this was intended to be a joke. If you look closely you can make out the words "HONOR THY MOTHER AND FATHER" just below the J-man's chest.

The Octonistas are killing Sharks now.

2008-10-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

No really!!! First it was our women, now they want our sharks. Won't somebody stop these spineless bastards?

"Revenge of the Shit" (or "Sith Happens")

2008-10-14T03:08:00.000-07:00

Arch Bishop Troy should have known better to release the Force in the restroom. Did he think they would not be retaliation? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. It is a basic law of the universe. Prepare yourself Arch Bishop, for you have crossed paths with the Derek Side of the Force. You have been warned.

Now you will witness the true power of the Awesome Side of the Force.

2008-10-14T01:45:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to release this information this early in the game, but due to Troy releasing the Dark Side of the Force in the restroom without spraying the Frebreeze, my hand has been forced. I found a picture of Troy from the late seventies that implicates him and CauliMaury with ties to the Rebel Alliance. I guess the first give away was the light saber hanging on the wall.

A test of thy devotion!

2008-10-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

Come hither, oh ye Awesomite! A test of thine fanaticism to the church is in order. Just clickith on this link and you will be redirected to the testing site. That is but only the easy part. To prove before Dog that you are a true Awesomite doth be the hard part.

Click here to commence your test!

.

You learn something new every day!

2008-10-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

So I am guessing they fart as well. You know what! The next thing they will be saying is that the world is a sphere that bulges a bit at the equator due to centripetal force. Who ever heard of such nonsense?

The Chinese even know!

2008-09-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it is confirmed. The Chinese, all the way one the other side of the world, know about the Whore of Babylon. Behold the undeniable proof.

Danielle, please proceed forward to your designated parking area.

Being for the Benefit of Mr Izzard

2008-09-20T03:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, well the first part of this clip features Bono playing a self important jackass, of which he does a good job because anyone can play themselves, but shortly after comes Eddie Izzard's rendition Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite which is "bloody brilliant" if I do say so myself. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I highly recommend that you do, and if you have some psychedelic drugs to aid you... well we at the Church of Awesomeness don't condone such satanic acts, but well... you know.

Our Campsite Trash Can Gets Shorter

2008-09-16T23:53:00.000-07:00

Our Campsite Trash Can Gets Shorter
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

Upon returning from the general store, Arch Bishop Troy was perplexed by the shrinkage of our trash can. After ruling out shrink rays, aliens, and cold weather, the Ach Bishop correctly identified the phenonenom as it being on fire.

Arch Bishop Troy Devolves

2008-09-16T00:09:00.001-07:00

Arch Bishop Troy Devolves
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

Apparently the juices in the steak have released special enzymes that made Arch Bisop Troy regress into a Cro-magnon. A few moments later he rediscovered fire.

"If I had a Vagina..."

2008-09-15T23:36:00.001-07:00

If I had a Vagina...
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

Awesomess has gone mobile!!! Yes it is true, and we kicked off the evening with a feast fit for a king. We grilled three New York steaks, two ears of corn, and a can of grillin' beans. Arch Bishop Troy enjoyed the steak so much that he mused aloud the strangest idea I had ever heard concerning steak.

Official Seal of Awesomeness

2008-09-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

Behold the Official Seal of Awesomeness. Be on the look out for this seal. For those things that bare it doth be created of genuine awesomeinity. Beware of the imitations for they do look nigh indistinguishable from the authentic seal. In order to distinguish the indistinguishable, hold the said seal up to an Infa-red light source and lightly sprinkle on some Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. If the seal bursts into flames it doth be counterfeit. If nothing happens, rejoice, for ye have found true and untainted awesomeness.

Do be reminded though this is the Official Seal of Awesomeness, it is NOT the Official Seal of Dog or The Church of Awesomeness. That sacred seal has yet to be revealed to the common peoples of the world. Of course, us leaders of the Church are privy to it's appearance.

A new deity reveals herself: The Goddess of Balance

2008-09-09T04:34:00.000-07:00

Behold her in all her Asian yin-yang glory...

Arch Bishop Troy arises from his Fortress of Solitude...

2008-09-09T01:35:00.001-07:00

Arch Bishop Troy arises from his Fortress of Solitude
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

...with his 24 ounce can of Rockstar and a predisposition towards awesomeness. Let the awesomeness begin!!!

Pirates of the Caribbean: How it should have ended.

2008-09-02T01:59:00.000-07:00

If you don't get the last part you should click here.

They've infiltrated the Power Puff Girls

2008-09-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

It is becoming increasingly clear that our children are the ultimate targets of the Octonistas. This does make sense since children are the most impressionable. What angers me the Octonista's ingenious subtlety of their propaganda. At first glance this appears innocent enough: a young super hero girl named Bubbles and her stuffed plush toy octopus. But the devil is in the details you see. While researching the Power Puff Girls, I noticed that she sleeps with this "plush toy". The insinuation becomes even clearer in this picture I found of Bubbles in her pre-teen years...

You see the subtle but significant change? This is how they do it, incrementally. One minute you're enjoying Saturday morning cartoons, the next thing you know this is happening in your household...

Join Parents Opposing Octopus Porn and make a contribution to rid this world of tentacle porn while you still can.

Satan Reveals Her True Form

2008-09-02T00:47:00.001-07:00

Satan Reveals Her True Form
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

While acting inconspicous in front of the karaoke machine the beast reveals her true form.

Four Score and Seven Years Ago...

2008-09-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

Our fore fathers brought forth on this continent a new Church, one of Awesomeness.

Return of Benny Lava

2008-08-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

Either he is addressing felines or female genitalia... Either way he is a genius and gets more ass than a toilet seat.

P.O.O.P. writes a letter to Natalie Portman

2008-08-26T03:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Natalie Portman (or some underling that represents her on Myspace),

I tried to locate your real e-mail address, but it turns out that as a celebrity you are a hard person to make personal contact with... Who would of thought. I understand that you are busy making crappy movies like the prequels to the Star Wars movies, so I won't waste too much of your precious time. It is just that your new Carmenista video has been brought to my attention, and I must say I am very offended.

You see we at the Church of Awesomeness have taken a severe stand against cephalopod-to-human husbandry. We would have been content with gay marriage, but it seems this is the religious right's main squeeze and we are not about to jack someone else's love. Anyhow, we were the first religious organization to correctly identify the threat, and are greatly dismayed with the subtle, although effective reference to it in your new video: "Carmenista".

First of all, may I say it? Call a spade a spade: you should call it "Octonista". Second of all, is the subject matter: Your character, a scorned lover, kills herself and re-incarnates into an octopus. Why an octopus? Why not a ferret, or a platypus? You could have even reincarnated as a slug or some other invertebrate like a sea cucumber or a jelly fish... But you didn't. You chose to represent the enemy.

It has occurred to me that you may be the second coming of Jane Fonda and just don't realize who you are representing, so allow me to elucidate. Perhaps you haven't heard the news about the direct correlation found between octopus porn and child pornography. Or maybe you missed the story about the homosexual tendencies of said beasts or their flagrant promiscuity. Either way, they don't have a moral bone in their bodies and this could have something to do with the fact that they are descendants of mollusks, the spineless conniving bastards that they are.

Furthermore, I am suspicious of your surname "Port Man." This is a nautical expression if I even heard one. It would behoove you to disavow any ties with anything with eight appendages, and while you are at it: George Lucas. We will be watching.

--Buck Thompson, Head Deacon of the Church of Awesomeness (and vice president of Parents Opposing Octopus Porn.)

For those who "warsh" their clothes.

2008-08-26T02:29:00.000-07:00

Their is no "R" in wash so stop pronouncing it that way!!! And while we are at it there is no state in the union called "Warshington". Damn semi-illiterate Americans.

The Japanese are obviously in cohoots with the Octonistas.

2008-08-26T01:15:00.000-07:00

This is propaganda drawn by the Japanese propagandist Hajime Sorayama (空山基) who is known for his strange erotic art. Now I don't mind depictions of cybernetic women doing whatever it is that cybernetic women do... gigapets, Pokemon or something to that nature. It is when they glorify the octonistas that I can't stand by idly.

Bastard Blogging

2008-08-26T00:30:00.001-07:00

Bastard Blogging
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

Let it be known that Arch Bishop Troy's cat is a bastard, a bastard that attacks my feet for no damn reason at all. A bastard who has a set of furry balls that are growing exponentially, so much so that if he isn't neutered soon, said balls threaten to commandeer the living room.

Sufis may spin to get closer to God...

2008-08-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

But that is pussy shit, we spin kick to get closer to Dog... Then we urinate on the closest potted plant.

Blogger is lame and will not display animated gif so you have to download it to see it.

Arch Bishop Troy is a popular guy!!!

2008-08-24T12:10:00.001-07:00

Arch Bishop Troy is a popular guy!!!
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

So much so that they named a slot machine at Casino Moron-go after him. It inspired me so much that I even gambled. I played two whole dollars worth and I won six!!! That is when I cashed out because I figured I was ahead. The rest of my party wasn't as savvy.

Our message is spreading.

2008-08-23T18:03:00.001-07:00

Our message is spreading.
Originally uploaded by Mildly Brilliant

And this is proof...

Douche Bag of the Week

2008-08-20T03:59:00.000-07:00

Reprinted from Yahoo News:

ELKO, Nev. - A man accused of trying to extort $500 from a Pizza Hut in Elko was foiled by his own cell phone camera. Police said a former employee of the restaurant allegedly called the manager on Friday and told him he had five Pizza Hut signs that are used on the roofs of vehicles and wouldn't return them unless he was paid $500.

Police said the manager wanted proof that Long had the signs. So the 23-year-old man sent him a cell phone picture that proved to be his undoing.

Officers were able to zoom in on license plate numbers of two vehicles in the background that are registered to the man.

He's been charged with extortion, possession of stolen property and grand larceny. Bail is set at $15,000.

Ok, where to start?

1. If you are going to risk going to jail for extortion, it should be worth it. Five hundred dollars isn't even enough to pay a month's worth of rent in most places.

2. If you are going to send photographic evidence that you have stolen property, don't take a picture that reveals your surroundings, property, or your vehicle period. The fact that this tool sent a picture that included his license plate is beyond stupid, which is why he has earned the title of Douche Bag of the Week.

Congradulations douche bag.

Awesomeness Returns...

2008-08-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

For yet another action packed Monday night/Tuesday morning. Let the awesomeness begin!!!

And Now "The School of Awesomeness"

2008-08-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

That's right! We are combining church and state to bring you the School of Awesomeness. This coalescence of awesomeness will look quite... dare I say, Awesome, on your resume. Apply now! Space is limited to one student per century.

Militia 'R' Us

2008-08-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

What could be more awesome that guns, knives, guitars, and a hairy, fat man wearing a bikini bottom?

Well, guns, knives and guitars without the hairy, fat guy wearing a bikini bottom... or you can shoot the guy with your guns, chop him up with your knives, then feed him to your dog. As your dog is eating the said fat, hairy guy wearing a bikini bottom, you can serenade him (your dog) with a guitar solo.

Natalie Portman has Betrayed Us

2008-08-16T01:28:00.000-07:00

At first this video looks like it is a tribute to one of our greatest prophets, Benny Lava, but at the end her true motives are revealed. After incinerating herself in her own self pity, she reincarnates as an octopus and her prince makes out with her, or worse... it is hard to tell what is really going on here. Whatever it is, neither Dog nor Dr. Dobson would approve. Which is why I am going to have to write two letters: one for the lecherous Natalie Portman; the other to Dr. James Dobson, who I might add, is not written me back because he obviously is not taking this vile threat seriously. Perhaps some Hollywood types have infiltrated his organization and slipped him some mind altering organic tea from Trader Joe's. Who knows, maybe they even got him driving a hybrid now. Still, I mustn't waver in my moral rectitude, or let my doubts become obsession. The good Dr. will write back in good time. Until then, a thorough chastising of Miss Portman is order.

Hat tip to Jessica for noticing and correctly identifying this octanista propaganda. Her work as a foot soldier for P.O.O.P. is outstanding. Perhaps a promotion is in order.

Deep Thoughts On John Wayne

2008-08-12T01:46:00.000-07:00

Well, we couldn't figure out how to convert the original swf file to Quicktime so we had to film it off my computer screen and as a result the quality is less than adequate. It is just one of the dick moves Apple snuck into the latest version of Quicktime. Someone needs to give Steve Jobs an enema.

New Olympic Sport: Cat Spinninng

2008-08-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

Arch Bishop Troy is proud to represent the United States in this sport. What we have featured here are the preliminaries which got us into the nationals.

Ipecac Family Guy

2008-08-12T01:30:00.000-07:00

Since we seem to be on the subject of gross subject matter I felt this was appropriate...

Rover Ralphs

2008-08-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

Why strenuous activity after a serious bout of drinking is a bad idea.

Oddly enough, this reminds me of an ex-co-worker of mine named Travis.

The Fate of Captured Octonistas

2008-08-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

It almost makes up for all the harm they have caused...

John the Fisherman

2008-08-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

My ex-girlfriend hated this song and would always try to skip to the next track... All the more reason to play it. Oh and awesomemites, since we are on the subject, don't forget to vote in the "who is the biggest whore?" poll.

P.O.O.P. Attempts to Contact Dr. James Dobson a Second Time

2008-08-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. James Dobson and/or the good people of Focus on the Family,

A few months ago (May 6th to be exact) I wrote your staff in hopes that you would hear my plea for help. I can only assume that you are either inundated with questions about curing prepubescent boys of homosexual tendencies via father-son showers or that you don't feel that the current wave of cephalopod-on-human pornography outbreak on the Internets is of a legitimate concern. I am hoping that as a man of faith that the reason is not of the latter. It's apparent that the liberal media has done its best to stifle discussion regarding the conquests of the octanistas and has turned an all but blind eye to the inevitable. Fortunately the Australian authorities, as well as the Australian media have been keeping a close eye on a man who is obviously a contact of the octonistas as it seems he was caught downloading their propaganda, though this is nothing compared to the ruling.

The most shocking aspect of this story is not that their slimy tentacles were involved. No, the most disturbing element of this story is that:

The judge said McLagan had little, if any, interest in child pornography and that it was accessed while he was trawling for bestiality images.

This brings me to the point of this letter. It is increasingly clear that the acceptance of cephalopod-on-human bestiality is but the tip of the iceberg, and serves as but only a means to an end. And this mentally ill man is but a snowflake on the tip of the iceberg. Octopus porn is the gateway drug of porn, it is like beer, marijuana, cigarettes, and Pokemon all rolled into one.

Please take this in to consideration Dr. Dobson, and know that we at the C of A and Parents Opposing Octopus Porn are in dire need of your help and influence.

Move Over George Takei

2008-08-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

I always had my suspicions...

Benny Lava Strikes Back

2008-08-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

How does he do it? His lyrics are so profound.

The Ewok Gospel Song

2008-08-04T22:47:00.000-07:00

Let's put aside our differences and let's hear it for the Ewoks!!!

It's official, we have lost track.

2008-08-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

We no longer know the numerical day of Awesomeness this is, nor do we care. The important thing is that we are back on our Monday routine. And why is Monday so important? That, like all things, will be explained in time.

To Those Who Claim They Possess the Secret...

2008-08-01T03:47:00.000-07:00

We at the Church of Awesomeness have taken a firm stand against books that promise easy fortunes long before the Church became orthodox, behold:

Behold there is truth in the world, and those that have observed that have noticed that it sucketh. Whoa to them who suffer from eternal optimism because they most likely have a tapeworm. Striketh down those who claim to knoweth the secret, for most likely they observith Oprah, whether obese or not, and take her seriously... For she is a fat bitch, and no amount of book clubs can changeth that.

--2 Bnengets 5:7-14

The Beatles have nothing on us.

2008-08-01T02:32:00.000-07:00

Rivers Micheal Dunhan, they say it's your birthday...

The Internets are working Again...

2008-08-01T02:23:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is because Ted Stevens has been indicted, so as to clear the drainage of the Internets, because it is after all, a series of tubes... that get clogged so to speak.... yeah.

Blind Faith

2008-07-31T02:27:00.001-07:00

Double click on comic to enlarge.

This is my first attempt at resurrecting my comic after two years and the joke is based on this story.

Octopus sex man avoids jail

2008-07-19T00:42:00.000-07:00

Excerpted from News.com.AU:

A TASMANIAN man caught downloading images of sexual acts with an octopus has avoided a jail term.

Rodney Scott McLagan, 48, of South Arm in Hobart was caught with 31,000 images and video files involving sexual acts with children, dogs, ponies, snakes, tigers and an octopus.

Justice David Porter said McLagan had a personality disorder that caused him to avoid interpersonal contact and gave him a pre-occupation with being criticised or rejected, The Mercury reported today.

"Without the opportunity for normal sexual relationships fantasy is often indulged," the judge said yesterday.

"It also emerges from the report that you are particularly self-conscious about your teeth."

He said McLagan's self-esteem was so low he equated himself with a beast.

The judge said McLagan had little, if any, interest in child pornography and that it was accessed while he was trawling for bestiality images.

This is proof that the Octonista's agenda is beyond the scope of interspecies fornication, but rather a means to an end. In short, if we ignore the threat of octopus porn, it is only a matter of time before our streets are littered with child pornography. Dr. James Dobson, I hope you are taking this threat seriously.

Screen Shot from Upcoming Cartoon

2008-07-05T04:28:00.000-07:00

I have been working hard to put out another cartoon since I haven't completed one since Republican Lite. You will notice the characters are drawn much better this time around.

It's The Fourth Bitches!!!

2008-07-04T04:20:00.000-07:00

Douchebag of the Week: Heidi Montag

2008-07-04T04:19:00.000-07:00

"Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

--Heidi Montag, of "The Hills."

Now children, can you say douche bag? I knew you could.

The Problem With Modern Wifebeating is...

2008-07-04T04:16:00.000-07:00

... That we don't use our Rods.

Thus sayeth our Muslim friends.

Apparently, JOUSE was correct.

2008-07-04T04:06:00.000-07:00

The platypus is poisonous. I stand corrected.

Heaven is So Real

2008-07-04T03:34:00.000-07:00

She has seen it and she is rocking, so it must be true.

Apparently, she is an international phenomenon. It must be the will of Dog.

But if that was not enough for you...

Again, the 4th!!!

2008-07-04T03:22:00.000-07:00

...And it came to pass that Bnengets was famished from jazzercizing on the dunes of Mentone Beach, when a flea that had been scratched off the hindquarters of the Almighty Butt-Sniffer delivered this sacred singing telegram:
Pounder? I don't even know her.
Furbulous... That is not even a word
by the way.

I should hope not.

And it became clear to Bnengets that the acquisition of a sports-drink was in order.

--Pre-Evangelations 11:12-13

So, uh... yeah. Go America and Dog bless Lou Dobbs!!!

Man admits octopus porn downloads

2008-07-04T00:38:00.000-07:00

Excerpted from The UK Metro:

A man has admitted in an Australian court to downloading octopus porn, as well as other images of sexual acts with ponies, tigers and snakes.

Rodney Scott McLagan, 48, also plead guilty to possessing child pornography – but his defence lawyer insisted that he had 'little or no interest' in the child porn, and only had it on his computer because it had been included in the bulk download of bestiality material.

What a sick bastard... and he had kiddie porn too. Dr. Dobson, hopefully you have recieved my letter by now and can see the severity of the situation now.

Satan Walks this Earth.

2008-06-27T04:35:00.000-07:00

Luckily she is confined to Brian's house, but the other day she got out for about forty five minutes... Who knows what sorrow she has wrought.

Naughty Chopstick Instructions

2008-06-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

How much do you want to bet the Octanistas are somehow behind this? Perhaps this is a preemptive strike towards those who might order Calamari.

Oh My Dog!!! It's Arch Bishop Troy!!!

2008-06-27T03:12:00.000-07:00

It is uncanny..,

Our Message is Apparently Catching On.

2008-06-27T03:01:00.000-07:00

And with that, let us begin the official twentieth communion for the Church of Awesomeness. (The nineteenth was undocumented and heavily under the influence of Rockband.)

Thank Dog for Hot

2008-06-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

Through scientific study and thorough evaluation, it has been concluded that during the time around the Industrial Revolution a trend had begun that would not stop until there was nothing left. The results of that study shows the undeniable and...

Let us all thank Dog for the blessing of increasingly hot weather. Without it we may still all be wearing one-pieces.

And a large gathering had come to stand around the prophet Bnengets to heed his wisdom. Bnengets gazed upon the crowd and said, "Why do ye pant and perspire so profusely?" The people then replied, "The sun doth beat upon our shoulders and we know not were to find reprieve." Bnengets then lookethed to the sky and cursed Dog for the stupidity of the people. "Look unto yourselves to find reprieve," spoke Bnengets, "Your undergarments do be long and thick. At the loom ye shall make small and lighter ones, which shall be ever more comfortable and cheaper to make because less linen doth be needed." The multitude marveled at his sapience.

--1 Bnengets 31:6-7

The Origin of the Universe

2008-06-18T00:47:00.000-07:00

They got one thing wrong--it's not Goooooooooooooooooooood, it's Dooooooooooooooooooooog.

Just When You Thought It Wasn't Possible

2008-05-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

There is apparently a religion stupider than ours.

Arch Bishop Troy's Entrepreneurial Spirit

2008-05-28T04:55:00.000-07:00

Apparently, he is making lawn mowers...

Now open your Hymn Book to page 169...

2008-05-28T04:40:00.000-07:00

Now sing along: In my country there is problem...

Just so you know...

2008-05-28T03:48:00.000-07:00

I believe Satan commandeered my HTML, because I just put the same Dog damned thing one minute later and it went Nazi on me. But through a HTML editor, it finally recognized the Dog damned link. Bitches....

The Nature of Satan is Revealed

2008-05-28T02:27:00.000-07:00

Although cited from a sister religion, it was revealed through our misogynistic alpha dog deity, the All Mighty Butt-Sniffer, that the adversary Satan has made her presence known.